Season 4, Episode 3

So I’ve been wanting to do a post like this for awhile now, but I had to wait for just the right episode. Let me know what you think!

“The Harsh Light of Day”

Rewritten by: Kali Waddilove

First scene: The Bronze

Willow: Hey, since we are in college now we should hang out at the same place we did in HS because that’ll be super-cool.

Buffy: Ok. Look its Parker, he's reflecting in the mirror, unlike my last boyfriend.

Parker: Hey want me to patronize you and treat you like a fragile little woman that needs to be taken care of and walk you back to your dorm?

Buffy: Sounds like my kind of guy.

Willow and Oz are outside the Bronze where Willow runs into an old friend.

Willow: Hey Harmony! Didn't you die?

Harmony: Nope didn't happen.

Willow: Could have sworn you got bit by a vampire.

Harmony: Oh yeah, I'm totally a vampire now... I shouldn't have told you that.

*Harmony bites Willow*

Oz rescues Willow.

Harmony: My boyfriend is totally gonna kick your boyfriends ass... then I'm gonna pull your hair!

Parker: What’s that scar on your neck?

Buffy: Um, I'm into kinky stuff...er... I mean, dog bite? So tell me about you.

Parker: Well I'm super deep and sensitive. I'm super awesome at using trite sayings and I have a large penis.

Buffy: What?

Parker: I just said that I'm deep... like your vagina...

Buffy: Let's go on a date tomorrow.

Giles: (to Xander)- Quite an odd couple aren't we?

Anya opens Giles door and enters.

Anya: Giles, please leave your own house.

Xander: Man you are hot. You are also the only woman interested in me at the moment.

Anya: So are you my boyfriend?

Xander: Um... can we just have sex?

Anya: Sure.

Buffy: I shouldn't invite you into my room...

Parker: I'm sensitive and have a large penis.

Buffy: Yeah, you said that already.

Willow and Oz come running up.

Oz: There are angry puppies on the loose!

Willow: Yes, I do like playing with the angry puppies though.

Buffy: I miss my angry puppy.

Parker: WTF is an angry puppy? Is this a euphemism for my penis?

*SPIKE RETURNS*

Harmony: Hi Honey! I am too stupid to realize how lucky I am to have a boyfriend like you!

Spike: I don't like you and would rather be with Buffy Kali Dru. I'm pretty much using you for sex.

Harmony: I love lamp.

Spike: You are so stupid and annoying, I literally have no idea why I'm "dating" you.

Harmony: I think I'm going to tan on the beach.

Spike: You do that.

Buffy and Parker run into Spike and Harmony at a party.

Buffy: You are dating Harmony? And I thought Dru was a strange choice.

Spike: I'd rather be with you, but she's blonde so it'll do.

Harmony: Curtains taste funny.

Parker: Hi, I'm Parker, nice to meet you. I'm sensitive and have a large penis.

Spike: I bet mine's bigger. Anyways, I need to leave now.

Harmony: Yeah, he's gonna go become invincible so you can't beat him.

Spike: I hate you so much. If you weren't such an easy lay I'd stake you.

*Everyone has sex*

Anya/Xander

Anya: I can't stop thinking about you, let's have sex.

Xander: This is strange and awkward, but I think I love you.

Spike/Harmony

Spike: Don't talk, I'm imagining Buffy.

Harmony: Make sure to use protection; I don't want to get pregnant.

Spike: *facepalm*

Buffy/Parker

Parker: I'm super deep and sensitive. I'm totally not trying to get into your pants... let's have sex.

Buffy: I'm not over Angel, but I am totally fooled by your tricks. I'm also flexible and have super-stamina. Let's do it.

Next morning for everyone...

Buffy: Shit... made another guy lose his soul and run out on me.

Parker: Hey, I got you coffee... now get out...

Buffy: Can I have my pants?

Parker: No, those are going in my trophy drawer.

Buffy: Ok...

Parker: Ok bye. Totally not gonna call you, but let's pretend like I am.

Buffy: Yay!

Anya: So... are we going to get married now?

Xander: Um... huh?

Harmony: I love you so much Blondie Bear!

Spike: I seriously have no idea why I'm with you.

*Buffy returns to her dorm where Giles and Willow are waiting for her*

Giles: What the devil is going on here?

Buffy: I totally did not just have sex with a guy I barely know last night.

Giles: And I didn't masturbate to pictures of your mom last night either.

Willow: Oh my Wicca God, can we talk about anything else right now?

Giles: The Gem of Amara is real and probably buried underneath Sunnydale.

Willow: Thank you!

Buffy: Parker is sensitive and has a large penis.

Willow: *headdesk* Not you too.

Spike continues digging for the Gem of Amara, Harmony interrupts.

Harmony: Can we go to France?

Spike: Can you please go die in all the fires?

Harmony: I don't know why I let you treat me so mean.

Spike: I don't know why you are still talking, when I just told you to STFU.

Montage:

Buffy goes to dorm at 7:00pm to check answering machine for Parker's call- no messages.

Buffy calls answering machine to check messages at 7:10pm- there are none.

Buffy goes to dorm to make sure phone still has a dial tone- it does.

Buffy calls phone company to make sure the service is properly working- it is.

Buffy checks messages again at 9:05pm- there is one! But it's from Willow wondering if Parker called.

Buffy sends Parker a text making sure he has her number.

Buffy leaves Parker a voicemail saying:

Buffy lies down and has a sad.

Spike finds the Gem of Amara after attempting to stake Harmony and it failing to kill her because she had the ring on.

Spike: Yay! I'm going to go outside and go to the park and play in the sunshine and swing on the swings! Er... I mean... go kill the Slayer.

Back at Giles’ place, all the Scoobies are meeting.

Xander: Giles has a TV! He's shallow like us!

Giles: Well how else am I going to watch porn- I mean, the news? Yes, the news is very important.

Willow: Yeah, see, the news is convienently telling us right now that the street collapsed which is most likely where Spike was digging for the Gem of Amara.

Giles: To the Batcave!

Buffy is wandering campus, and finds Parker talking to another dumb blonde.

Parker: I'm sensitive and have a large penis.

Buffy: WTF is going on here?

Parker: What? You thought that after we had sex we were supposed to declare our un-dying love for each other?

Buffy: I just thought that after the other night, that we’d be together forever… but we’re not.

Parker: Look here, Bunny.

Buffy: Buffy.

Parker: Yeah whatever. You were a good lay, but this is how college life sometimes works. You hook up with someone you really don't know very well after a party and you just go your separate ways after.

Buffy: If I weren’t so heartbroken and unprepared for this I'd probably punch you in the face. Yet, I feel this is somehow my fault for thinking this meant more than it really did when I should have seen from the beginning the kind of person you really are. Hopefully I will learn from this and grow as a person in order to find a healthy, stable relationship.

Parker leaves, Spike enters

Spike: Wanna date me?

Buffy: Sure that sounds healthy.

Spike: Actually, right now I'd rather just kick your ass. *Punches her in the face*

Buffy: Way to kick a girl when she's already down, jerkface.

Spike: That's not all I've got. It sounds like you were pretty dumb and easy to let this Parker bang you. It also sounds like you weren't good enough for him to want to do you again. That sounds familiar... oh yeah, Angel didn't want you again after the first time either. Oh and that shirt makes you look fat.

Buffy: YOU. WILL. BURN.

*Buffy fights back hard and steals the ring*

Spike: This isn't the last you'll hear from me Slayer! Seriously though, I'll be back in a couple episodes.

*Spike runs away*

Back at Giles' place, the new Scooby hangout.

Giles: We should destroy the ring.

Buffy: We should give it to Angel.

Xander: But-

Willow: Xander, STFU.

*Xander makes a pouty face*

Giles: Are you sure?

Buffy: Yeah, I feel super guilty for sleeping with another dude and feel like I need to do this to make up for it. Plus, it'll totally match his eyes.

Later that night, Buffy and Willow go for a walk around the campus.

Buffy: Even though Parker totally used me and was a jerkface, I still hope he calls me.

Willow: Sometimes you are really dumb and that makes my brain hurt.

Buffy: Maybe its something I did, maybe I'm not good enough for him, maybe-

Willow: Hey Buffy, Bella Swan called, she wants you to stop acting like her.

Buffy: I really suck at having healthy relationships with men, don't I?

Willow: Yup, for pretty much the whole series.

Buffy: Huh?

Willow: Just remember that you are cookie dough.

Buffy: You are just making me more confused so I am going to walk alone now.

Willow: Okie dokie.

Montage of Anya, Harmony, and Buffy walking around campus being sad and alone... forever.

The End… or is it?

A short recap of the continuation of this story on Angel:

Spike goes to LA to get the ring back from Angel, where Oz delivered it when he went there for a show. This dialogue I did not make up because it is too funny on its own.

After Angel rescues Rachel from her ex-boyfriend, Spike watches from a rooftop and voices their dialogue for them.

Spike in high voice:  “How can I thank you, you mysterious, black-clad hunk of a night thing? (low voice) No need, little lady, your tears of gratitude are enough for me.  You see, I was once a badass vampire, but love and a pesky curse defanged me.  Now I’m just a big, fluffy puppy with bad teeth. (Rachel steps closer to Angel, and Angel steps back warding her off with his hands) No, not the hair!  Never the hair!  (high voice)  But there must be someway I can show my appreciation.  (low voice)  No, helping those in need’s my job, - and working up a load of sexual tension, and prancing away like a magnificent poof is truly thanks enough!  (high voice)  I understand.  I have a nephew who is gay, so… (low voice)  Say no more.  Evil’s still afoot!  And I’m almost out of that Nancy-boy hair-gel that I like so much.  Quickly, to the Angel-mobile, away!”

Many things happen in this episode, but the only thing central to the Buffy storyline is that Spike hires another vampire to help get the ring from Angel. Spike fails and runs away, but the other vampire does in fact get the ring. Angel, however, fights him and gets the ring back. Being a “Nancy-boy”, Angel would rather brood, feel guilt, and continue suffering for things that weren’t entirely his fault so he destroys the ring. He should have sold it on eBay.

-Kali!

Sarah's Notes
I honestly don't know why I'm even bothering, this post doesn't need anything else to be supermegafoxyawesomehot. But here are my notes anyways:

“Well we can glue them to the dance floor”

Parker: what do you like to do?” Buffy: I liked to do Angel but then he lost his soul so we were done doing that

Xander: I just don't get your system! Giles: System? it’s called the alphabet.

Anya: Behind me figuratively. I’m thinking face to face for the event itself (Favorite Line)

Willow: (about Parker and Buffy's dirty night) I don’t need a diagram but maybe a blurry watercolor

Harmony: I don’t know why I let you be so mean to me Spike: Love hurts baby

*This is the big lesson in today's episode: how love can hurt. We see three different examples of this with Harmony/Spike, Buffy/Parker, and Anya/Xander. Each of them follow standard societal norms and gender stereotypes. For Anya, she feels like the only way to "get over Xander" is to sleep with him, because that's what she's gotten from learning about humanity (probably from situations like Buffy's, so one night stands.) With Harmony's she feels like she needs a guy to complete her so she deals with Spike even though he's a jerk to her. By the end of the episode, all three women are walking alone and Willow can sum up the reason why pretty easily: "he's a poop head."

Now, this isn't really accurate for Xander at this moment because he didn't just take advantage of Anya even while she was standing there naked. The problem really was that each were on different pages and when Anya went to talk to him, he was too focused on Buffy's safety. However, for Spike and Parker, this is a pretty good name for each of them. From the different interviews about this episode, we hear that the point was to show that guys can be mean without being evil. Parker is in no way a demon or inherently evil, he's just a college douchebag. So to answer Buffy's question of if this always happens where you "sleep with a guy and he goes all evil." No, that isn't true; but sometimes it can seem true. And this isn't only for guys, girls can behave the same way. *coughVerucacough*

Episode 2: Living Conditions

Season Four, Episode Two

"Living Conditions"

Kathy and Buffy’s interactions are so awkward; I feel so bad for both of them. Kathy listens to horrible music loudly and has phone log systems and questions Buffy about her milk because she thinks they might have a thief. Having a roommate is never fun and both of them aren't meshing at all.

Buffy ends up being able to leave saying she needs to get coffee to get a jolt...at night. This isn't the best excuse ever, especially when your roommate is so weird. She makes a quip about how she'll be up all night and Buffy tells her that she's a night person and she told Kathy that. Kathy then says that she just wasn't expecting her to be coming and going at all hours of the night. She's starting to sound like a needy girlfriend more than a roommate.

Buffy leaves and meets up with Willow and they discuss Kathy. Willow briefly mentions that she has a bad roommate as well, but then Buffy rants about how horrible her situation is. After a few minutes, they part ways and Willow goes to Oz's place. She says "happy hunting" and Buffy tells her to “wish [her] monsters.” They’re both so adorable!

After Willow leaves, Buffy's needy girlfriend  roommate comes out to get “coffee” with her. This is a good rule for being a sane roommate and boyfriend/girlfriend, don't follow the other person. About 95% of the time when they give you an excuse to leave, they're telling you this to get away from you, so don't go all Edward Cullen on them.

As Buffy and Kathy walk and talk, Buffy ends up pushing Kathy onto the ground to deal with some demons. The demons leave and Kathy gets mad at Buffy for pushing her into the bush, ruining her sweater. Buffy suggests they leave and get her cleaned up and we see the creepy demon men watching them and saying they think that “she’s the one” and start following them both.

Buffy heads to Giles' place and he is continuing his “mid-life thing.” He’s now jogging and has weird magazine subscriptions tastes which I think are significantly better than walking in on him with his lady friends. After they discuss the evil Buffy saw while out on patrol, Buffy continues talking and asking Giles questions.

Buffy: What are you doing today?
Giles: (He turns back again.) Uh, it's a good day for me, actually. A friend of mine recently acquired a-uh an original Gutenberg demonography... and it suddenly occurred to me that you've never once asked me what my day's plans were, which leads me to inquire whether you're feeling entirely yourself.
Buffy: That's not true.  I ask about you all the time. (He gives her a look.) Ok, well, maybe the words don't actually make it out of my mouth, but I think about it.
Giles: And it's appreciated.  Which doesn't explain why you're hanging around here instead of rushing off as usual.
Buffy: It's no big.  I just figured I'd hang here--you know—until my roommate goes to class.

"It is so hard to deal with teenage girls..."

I feel Buffy's pain, I used to wait to wake up until my roommate left because I felt weird about us both getting ready at the same time. She always took a long time in front of the mirror putting on makeup and so I would get up and just sort of awkwardly stand there, waiting to brush my teeth. However, waiting for her to leave before getting ready almost made me late for class a few times..

Back at casa de crazy roommate, Kathy goes through Buffy’s closet and finds some of her Slayer gear.

"I'm living with a religious Katniss Everdeen?"

Now Buffy goes to the dining hall and sees Kathy towards the back of the line, so instead she cuts to avoid her and meets Parker.

Parker: Ex-boyfriend?  Or loan shark?
Buffy: (Turns around to face him.) Excuse me?
Parker: The person you're hiding from.
Buffy: Oh... both.  Ugly breakup.  I'm sorry, I just cut you...
Parker: No, stay... stay.  I'll watch your back.

While in line, Parker also imparts wisdom to Buffy on how to get the most out of your dining hall swipes. After they pay, they part and she goes to sit with the scoobies. With them all seeing her interactions with him, they decide to talk about him and I'm with Oz on this one: "He'll be back."

Aaaand then Kathy joins the scoobies. While wearing Buffy's sweater!

Buffy: Is that my sweater?
Kathy: I didn't think you'd mind, I mean you got mine all muddy.
Buffy: I was saving you from a...
Willow: Bear!
Buffy: (Giving Willow a look.) Mugger.
Haha, I love Willow

Than, Kathy starts to eat, and Buffy watches ketchup drip onto her sweater. This is when shit gets real.

Later that night, Buffy calls Willow and complains about her roommate while a party is going on in Willow’s room. Kathy comes back to the room so she gets off with Willow and goes to see that Kathy’s loaded up the fridge with stuff for her and labeled everything with her name. Some more roommate stuff goes down and then they both go to sleep. And Buffy has a weird dream about scorpions and demons pouring blood down her throat.

The next morning, Buffy explains her dream to the scoobies for Giles to interpret:

Buffy: So then after the scorpion, the demon opened my mouth and sucked some kind of weird light out of me.  A-and the worst part?  I wake up and there's Kathy, staring at me like I'm some kind of freak.
Oz: Well, actually, the worst part, I'd have to go with the demon poring the blood down your throat.
Willow: Me too, I would vote for that too.

Suddenly Kathy comes and joins them again!

As she comes in, what must she be thinking about who Giles is? Don't worry, Willow will help us out here: “He’s our grown up friend. Not in a creepy way…”Thanks, Willow. Anyways, Kathy came in as Giles was about to read Buffy's dream so she asks if he can read her's as well. And as it turns out she had the same dream as Buffy. Ugh, not only is she a pain during the day, but she also steals Buffy's dreams at night!

Buffy and Kathy leave for class and Willow, Oz, and Giles talk:

Willow: Ok, so that was the evil twin, right?  'Cause she was bordering on Cordelia-esque.
Oz: Well, she's definitely pushing the stress meter on this Kathy thing.
Giles: I concur she's not, uh, herself, but, you know, uh, learning to live with someone can be a challenge.
Willow: A-and she hasn't been sleeping.
Giles: Right, then. (He stands.) Nothing to get to concerned about. Still, let me know if she, um...
Oz: Hits the red zone?
Giles: Yes.  

The ugly demons are back and they were correct, she is the one. I wonder what will happen next…

Buffy comes back to her room and sees Parker chatting with Kathy. This is kind of adorable, he brought her ziploc bags in order to steal more food from the dining hall. But Buffy isn't having any of it, she's too pissed that he and Kathy were chatting when she walked in. Poor Parker...

Buffy goes over the edge now and shows Kathy “share time” by chugging her milk and spilling it all over herself as well as the floor.

Way to keep it classy, Buffy

Willow's worried about Buffy and Oz agrees to do the “girly best friend” thing with Buffy, minus the braiding each other’s hair thing, since Willow has an English paper to write. On his way to Buffy, he passes a girl and they both catch each other’s eye.

More on this girl later...

With Oz patroling, she still rants about Kathy. “She’s other really bad things” “Well on the plus side you killed the bench which was looking pretty shifty” I love them both.

Kathy is clipping her toe nails and Buffy is tapping her pencil on her textbook. Kathy retaliates by turning on some music. Buffy continues tapping her pencil so hard she breaks it. Kathy then cracks a hardboiled egg and Buffy can’t handle anymore and goes to bed. Only to have the same creepy demon dream once more.

Willow is put in such an awkward place the next morning. Kathy is talking to her about her issues with Buffy and Buffy sees her talking with Kathy and grills her about talking to her. But everything is clear to Buffy now; she’s just going to have to kill Kathy.

Willow: You have to kill her?  Don't you think you could just switch rooms, or something?
Buffy: Well I would, but it's not just me in danger from Kathy. Look.
Willow: Toenails?
Buffy: Evil toenails.  I took them off the floor last night when she was in the bathroom.  She thought I was asleep.
Willow: Good thinking, 'cause in the middle of the night those toenails could have attacked you and left little half-moon marks all over your body.
Buffy: Don't be ridiculous.  The point is I measured them before I fell asleep and again this morning, and they grew.  After they were cut!  That's a demon thing, she has to be eliminated.
Willow: Of course.  I-it makes sense, now.  But you better show those bad puppies to Giles before you do anything just to be sure.
Buffy: Absolutely.  I don't want to do anything crazy.
Willow: Uh, you hurry on to Giles.  I'll hang here and-and keep an eye on Kathy.
Buffy: Great.  Good.  Thanks, Will. (She leaves.)
Willow goes to a nearby payphone and punches in a number.
Willow: Giles, I-I just talked to Buffy and, yeah, I think she's feeling a little... insane.  No, n-not bitchy crazy, more like homicidal maniac crazy.  So I told her to come to you.  Kay? (Favorite Line)

Buffy makes her way to Giles' place and gets captured with a net.

I love how this is the only way the three of them could take her down. They tie her up and plan on keeping her there until they find out why she's so insane. In defense of her insanity, she screams “[Kathy] irons her jeans, she’s evil!”

Willow goes to Kathy and asks her to leave the room. She flips out and complains about Buffy. Luckily, Oz calls to tell Willow they have Buffy tied up so she tells Kathy that she was just kidding.

Buffy: I can't believe this, after all that we've been through together and you guys won't believe me when I tell you that Kathy is bad.
Xander: We want to, Buff, it's just...
Oz: Shh, don't engage.
She starts struggling against the ropes.
Xander: I don't know if I tightened those ropes enough.
Oz: Then we'd better go over there and check 'em.
Xander: (Laughs until he sees that Oz was serious.) Oh, dear god!
Xander: Avoid the legs. (The start forward.) Avoid the legs.
They lean over her and she brings up her arms, grabs them and knocks their heads together.  They both fall to the floor, unconscious.  She tosses the rope onto Xander's body.
Buffy: Nope, not tight enough.

I feel bad for Oz and Xander, but they look very adorable like this, don't they?

Buffy goes to Kathy and says that they need to talk.  Kathy punches Buffy and pulls her face off to reveal...

that she’s one of the ugly demons!

After her face coming off, Buffy shouts: I knew it! and does her happy dance:

As it turns out, Kathy was the one causing Buffy to have those dreams; she was performing a ritual. She was doing this because her kind can always tell themselves apart from humans because of their lack of a soul. So she’s taking Buffy’s, without even asking!

Giles and Willow come back and Giles informs the scoobies of the fact that Kathy has been sucking her soul. Willow’s got it down “later on, big remorse.” However, Oz and Xander show them the ropes indicating that Buffy escaped. Willow and Giles stay to work a spell while Xander and Oz go to save Buffy.

Buffy and Kathy fight loudly

“Do you mind? People are trying to study.” Lolz

In the end, Kathy ends up getting hold of Buffy and opening her mouth to finish the ritual of removing her soul. However, at just the right time, Giles and Willow finish their spell and Buffy's soul is returned to her.

Unfortunately for Kathy, her ugly demon father comes in at that very moment looking to take her home. She gets upset, saying "I’m 3000 years old! When are you going to stop treating me like I’m 900?" This is a question that all children ask their parents at some point in their lives…normally with lower numbers, though.

Why they didn’t start out with this plan is beyond me, but now Willow is moved in with Buffy. Yay!

Buffy: You're completely forgiven.  I mean, you had reason to doubt. Except for the soul sucking thing I bet Kathy was pretty regular, as far as roomies go.
Willow: That's a pretty big 'except.'
Buffy: I guess.  I'm just glad that it was Kathy's demon-y ways making me no-fun Buffy.  I've always thought I was pretty easy going--you know?--it's not like I have the big issues.  You know, burn incense, or...
Willow: (Picking up the half-sandwich.) You going to finish this?

-Sarah

Kali’s Notes:

-Giles: Buffy, living with somebody is never easy.  Especially for an only child...

Just wanted to make a note about Buffy being an only child for next season…

- Oh Parker, you seem like such a nice guy. Will this be Buffy’s love interest for the season? Or will it be Riley? Or will it be Willow?

-I feel like this episode should be called “Oz Says Awesome Things”:

 Buffy: You guys can do the brain thing, I'm gonna go to class.

Oz: Which could also be construed as the 'brain thing'.

Buffy: Not when you're majoring in Nap 101.

Oz: So, either you hit her, or you did your wacky mime routine for her.
Buffy: Well, I didn't do either, actually.  But she deserves it, don't you think?
Oz: Nobody deserves a mime, Buffy.

- Xander is starting to feel isolated from the group because they are all college students and he is not. This begins the Scooby gangs separation from each other.

- Favorite Line Willow: Giles, I just talked to Buffy and, yeah, I think she's feeling a little... insane. [pause] No, not bitchy crazy, more like... homicidal maniac crazy. So I told her to come see you, OK?