Season 4, Episode 3

So I’ve been wanting to do a post like this for awhile now, but I had to wait for just the right episode. Let me know what you think!

“The Harsh Light of Day”

Rewritten by: Kali Waddilove

First scene: The Bronze

Willow: Hey, since we are in college now we should hang out at the same place we did in HS because that’ll be super-cool.

Buffy: Ok. Look its Parker, he's reflecting in the mirror, unlike my last boyfriend.

Parker: Hey want me to patronize you and treat you like a fragile little woman that needs to be taken care of and walk you back to your dorm?

Buffy: Sounds like my kind of guy.

Willow and Oz are outside the Bronze where Willow runs into an old friend.

Willow: Hey Harmony! Didn't you die?

Harmony: Nope didn't happen.

Willow: Could have sworn you got bit by a vampire.

Harmony: Oh yeah, I'm totally a vampire now... I shouldn't have told you that.

*Harmony bites Willow*

Oz rescues Willow.

Harmony: My boyfriend is totally gonna kick your boyfriends ass... then I'm gonna pull your hair!

Parker: What’s that scar on your neck?

Buffy: Um, I'm into kinky stuff...er... I mean, dog bite? So tell me about you.

Parker: Well I'm super deep and sensitive. I'm super awesome at using trite sayings and I have a large penis.

Buffy: What?

Parker: I just said that I'm deep... like your vagina...

Buffy: Let's go on a date tomorrow.

Giles: (to Xander)- Quite an odd couple aren't we?

Anya opens Giles door and enters.

Anya: Giles, please leave your own house.

Xander: Man you are hot. You are also the only woman interested in me at the moment.

Anya: So are you my boyfriend?

Xander: Um... can we just have sex?

Anya: Sure.

Buffy: I shouldn't invite you into my room...

Parker: I'm sensitive and have a large penis.

Buffy: Yeah, you said that already.

Willow and Oz come running up.

Oz: There are angry puppies on the loose!

Willow: Yes, I do like playing with the angry puppies though.

Buffy: I miss my angry puppy.

Parker: WTF is an angry puppy? Is this a euphemism for my penis?

*SPIKE RETURNS*

Harmony: Hi Honey! I am too stupid to realize how lucky I am to have a boyfriend like you!

Spike: I don't like you and would rather be with Buffy Kali Dru. I'm pretty much using you for sex.

Harmony: I love lamp.

Spike: You are so stupid and annoying, I literally have no idea why I'm "dating" you.

Harmony: I think I'm going to tan on the beach.

Spike: You do that.

Buffy and Parker run into Spike and Harmony at a party.

Buffy: You are dating Harmony? And I thought Dru was a strange choice.

Spike: I'd rather be with you, but she's blonde so it'll do.

Harmony: Curtains taste funny.

Parker: Hi, I'm Parker, nice to meet you. I'm sensitive and have a large penis.

Spike: I bet mine's bigger. Anyways, I need to leave now.

Harmony: Yeah, he's gonna go become invincible so you can't beat him.

Spike: I hate you so much. If you weren't such an easy lay I'd stake you.

*Everyone has sex*

Anya/Xander

Anya: I can't stop thinking about you, let's have sex.

Xander: This is strange and awkward, but I think I love you.

Spike/Harmony

Spike: Don't talk, I'm imagining Buffy.

Harmony: Make sure to use protection; I don't want to get pregnant.

Spike: *facepalm*

Buffy/Parker

Parker: I'm super deep and sensitive. I'm totally not trying to get into your pants... let's have sex.

Buffy: I'm not over Angel, but I am totally fooled by your tricks. I'm also flexible and have super-stamina. Let's do it.

Next morning for everyone...

Buffy: Shit... made another guy lose his soul and run out on me.

Parker: Hey, I got you coffee... now get out...

Buffy: Can I have my pants?

Parker: No, those are going in my trophy drawer.

Buffy: Ok...

Parker: Ok bye. Totally not gonna call you, but let's pretend like I am.

Buffy: Yay!

Anya: So... are we going to get married now?

Xander: Um... huh?

Harmony: I love you so much Blondie Bear!

Spike: I seriously have no idea why I'm with you.

*Buffy returns to her dorm where Giles and Willow are waiting for her*

Giles: What the devil is going on here?

Buffy: I totally did not just have sex with a guy I barely know last night.

Giles: And I didn't masturbate to pictures of your mom last night either.

Willow: Oh my Wicca God, can we talk about anything else right now?

Giles: The Gem of Amara is real and probably buried underneath Sunnydale.

Willow: Thank you!

Buffy: Parker is sensitive and has a large penis.

Willow: *headdesk* Not you too.

Spike continues digging for the Gem of Amara, Harmony interrupts.

Harmony: Can we go to France?

Spike: Can you please go die in all the fires?

Harmony: I don't know why I let you treat me so mean.

Spike: I don't know why you are still talking, when I just told you to STFU.

Montage:

Buffy goes to dorm at 7:00pm to check answering machine for Parker's call- no messages.

Buffy calls answering machine to check messages at 7:10pm- there are none.

Buffy goes to dorm to make sure phone still has a dial tone- it does.

Buffy calls phone company to make sure the service is properly working- it is.

Buffy checks messages again at 9:05pm- there is one! But it's from Willow wondering if Parker called.

Buffy sends Parker a text making sure he has her number.

Buffy leaves Parker a voicemail saying:

Buffy lies down and has a sad.

Spike finds the Gem of Amara after attempting to stake Harmony and it failing to kill her because she had the ring on.

Spike: Yay! I'm going to go outside and go to the park and play in the sunshine and swing on the swings! Er... I mean... go kill the Slayer.

Back at Giles’ place, all the Scoobies are meeting.

Xander: Giles has a TV! He's shallow like us!

Giles: Well how else am I going to watch porn- I mean, the news? Yes, the news is very important.

Willow: Yeah, see, the news is convienently telling us right now that the street collapsed which is most likely where Spike was digging for the Gem of Amara.

Giles: To the Batcave!

Buffy is wandering campus, and finds Parker talking to another dumb blonde.

Parker: I'm sensitive and have a large penis.

Buffy: WTF is going on here?

Parker: What? You thought that after we had sex we were supposed to declare our un-dying love for each other?

Buffy: I just thought that after the other night, that we’d be together forever… but we’re not.

Parker: Look here, Bunny.

Buffy: Buffy.

Parker: Yeah whatever. You were a good lay, but this is how college life sometimes works. You hook up with someone you really don't know very well after a party and you just go your separate ways after.

Buffy: If I weren’t so heartbroken and unprepared for this I'd probably punch you in the face. Yet, I feel this is somehow my fault for thinking this meant more than it really did when I should have seen from the beginning the kind of person you really are. Hopefully I will learn from this and grow as a person in order to find a healthy, stable relationship.

Parker leaves, Spike enters

Spike: Wanna date me?

Buffy: Sure that sounds healthy.

Spike: Actually, right now I'd rather just kick your ass. *Punches her in the face*

Buffy: Way to kick a girl when she's already down, jerkface.

Spike: That's not all I've got. It sounds like you were pretty dumb and easy to let this Parker bang you. It also sounds like you weren't good enough for him to want to do you again. That sounds familiar... oh yeah, Angel didn't want you again after the first time either. Oh and that shirt makes you look fat.

Buffy: YOU. WILL. BURN.

*Buffy fights back hard and steals the ring*

Spike: This isn't the last you'll hear from me Slayer! Seriously though, I'll be back in a couple episodes.

*Spike runs away*

Back at Giles' place, the new Scooby hangout.

Giles: We should destroy the ring.

Buffy: We should give it to Angel.

Xander: But-

Willow: Xander, STFU.

*Xander makes a pouty face*

Giles: Are you sure?

Buffy: Yeah, I feel super guilty for sleeping with another dude and feel like I need to do this to make up for it. Plus, it'll totally match his eyes.

Later that night, Buffy and Willow go for a walk around the campus.

Buffy: Even though Parker totally used me and was a jerkface, I still hope he calls me.

Willow: Sometimes you are really dumb and that makes my brain hurt.

Buffy: Maybe its something I did, maybe I'm not good enough for him, maybe-

Willow: Hey Buffy, Bella Swan called, she wants you to stop acting like her.

Buffy: I really suck at having healthy relationships with men, don't I?

Willow: Yup, for pretty much the whole series.

Buffy: Huh?

Willow: Just remember that you are cookie dough.

Buffy: You are just making me more confused so I am going to walk alone now.

Willow: Okie dokie.

Montage of Anya, Harmony, and Buffy walking around campus being sad and alone... forever.

The End… or is it?

A short recap of the continuation of this story on Angel:

Spike goes to LA to get the ring back from Angel, where Oz delivered it when he went there for a show. This dialogue I did not make up because it is too funny on its own.

After Angel rescues Rachel from her ex-boyfriend, Spike watches from a rooftop and voices their dialogue for them.

Spike in high voice:  “How can I thank you, you mysterious, black-clad hunk of a night thing? (low voice) No need, little lady, your tears of gratitude are enough for me.  You see, I was once a badass vampire, but love and a pesky curse defanged me.  Now I’m just a big, fluffy puppy with bad teeth. (Rachel steps closer to Angel, and Angel steps back warding her off with his hands) No, not the hair!  Never the hair!  (high voice)  But there must be someway I can show my appreciation.  (low voice)  No, helping those in need’s my job, - and working up a load of sexual tension, and prancing away like a magnificent poof is truly thanks enough!  (high voice)  I understand.  I have a nephew who is gay, so… (low voice)  Say no more.  Evil’s still afoot!  And I’m almost out of that Nancy-boy hair-gel that I like so much.  Quickly, to the Angel-mobile, away!”

Many things happen in this episode, but the only thing central to the Buffy storyline is that Spike hires another vampire to help get the ring from Angel. Spike fails and runs away, but the other vampire does in fact get the ring. Angel, however, fights him and gets the ring back. Being a “Nancy-boy”, Angel would rather brood, feel guilt, and continue suffering for things that weren’t entirely his fault so he destroys the ring. He should have sold it on eBay.

-Kali!

Sarah's Notes
I honestly don't know why I'm even bothering, this post doesn't need anything else to be supermegafoxyawesomehot. But here are my notes anyways:

“Well we can glue them to the dance floor”

Parker: what do you like to do?” Buffy: I liked to do Angel but then he lost his soul so we were done doing that

Xander: I just don't get your system! Giles: System? it’s called the alphabet.

Anya: Behind me figuratively. I’m thinking face to face for the event itself (Favorite Line)

Willow: (about Parker and Buffy's dirty night) I don’t need a diagram but maybe a blurry watercolor

Harmony: I don’t know why I let you be so mean to me Spike: Love hurts baby

*This is the big lesson in today's episode: how love can hurt. We see three different examples of this with Harmony/Spike, Buffy/Parker, and Anya/Xander. Each of them follow standard societal norms and gender stereotypes. For Anya, she feels like the only way to "get over Xander" is to sleep with him, because that's what she's gotten from learning about humanity (probably from situations like Buffy's, so one night stands.) With Harmony's she feels like she needs a guy to complete her so she deals with Spike even though he's a jerk to her. By the end of the episode, all three women are walking alone and Willow can sum up the reason why pretty easily: "he's a poop head."

Now, this isn't really accurate for Xander at this moment because he didn't just take advantage of Anya even while she was standing there naked. The problem really was that each were on different pages and when Anya went to talk to him, he was too focused on Buffy's safety. However, for Spike and Parker, this is a pretty good name for each of them. From the different interviews about this episode, we hear that the point was to show that guys can be mean without being evil. Parker is in no way a demon or inherently evil, he's just a college douchebag. So to answer Buffy's question of if this always happens where you "sleep with a guy and he goes all evil." No, that isn't true; but sometimes it can seem true. And this isn't only for guys, girls can behave the same way. *coughVerucacough*