The Cavemen Won

There won't be any post tonight. My mom passed away this morning so posts will have to be put on hold. Once we figure things out, Kali will probably post the new game plan. I don't want to get too behind but what can we do...

-Sarah

Season 5, Episode 8

Because of the way we split the episodes up, Kali has had a lot this week and is taking the easy (at least funny) way out and presenting you with:

"Shadow"

Rewritten by: Kali Waddilove

Scene: Joyce getting a CT Scan. NOT a CAT Scan, although it's pronounced that way.

Buffy: Here drink a soda, it'll make the fact that our mother is dying better.

Dawn: Why's it called a CAT Scan? Do they test it on cats?

Buffy: *claps hands over Dawn's head* Stupid sister! Don't ask dumb questions.

Scene: At the Magic Box with Giles, Tara, Willow, Anya, and Xander

Tara: This ad is hard to say, but you're British and talk funny so it's ok.

Anya: Am I mentioned? Since I am the only thing that's important!

Giles: No. Go away.

Xander: So Riley was totally supposed to meet us to kill some vamps and he blew them all up instead.

Willow: What an asshole!

Everyone: Willow!

Willow: I mean... what a poop head!

Giles: That is not of import. We must research the superpower bitch that kicked Buffy's ass.

Anya: Or just flip through pages and pretend to be busy.

Xander: I'm sure she's off planning evil in the sewers.

Scene: Glory in a super awesome apartment, trying on new shoes.

Glory: I am so awesome and powerful that I can try on shoes and have my minions do all the work.

Dreg: I will do everything for you, your supermegafoxyawesomehottness. Here is a spell that will do something that I don't know yet!

Glory: Sweet, I just need to go to a magic store and get some ingredients. Hmm, look at this phone book that is convienently opened to a page for the Magic Box.

Scene: Riley enters Buffy's house since the door was left open. He walks up to Buffy's room and finds Spike.

Riley: Doobdee doo... I'm cowboy guy... Wait, what the devil is going on here?

Spike: Um... I'm not stalking Buffy and smelling her underwear sweater if that's what you think. No sir.
Riley: That's alright I smell her panties all the time... I mean, stop that you creeper! Get out!

Spike: But she said I could. We spent last night together if you know what I mean.

Riley: No, actually I don't.

Spike: Buffy like vampires, you just can't satisfy her like we can.

*Riley puts Spike in the sun.*

Spike: HEY! That's really hot! Shouldn't you be with Buffy at the hospital?

Riley: Wait... what? I was busy in my cowboy acting class. What's going on?

Spike: Her mom is having some test. I'm apparently more important than you since she told me.

Riley: Stop making fun of me or I'll tell my mommy!

*Riley grabs his marbles and runs home*



Scene: The hospital with Buffy and Dawn. Enter Riley.

Riley: I came as soon as I heard from Spike and not you because you don't seem to care enough to tell your boyfriend anything that's going on in your life.

Buffy: I have more important things to do. *leaves room*

*Buffy enters X-Ray room with her mom and the Doctor*

The Doctor: I need to go get in my TARDIS, I mean, schedule the OR. I'll be back. *exits*

Joyce: There is a shadow.

Buffy: Is it a shadow puppet? Because any other kind of shadow sounds bad.

Joyce: Well it seems they are going to cut into my brain, so I'm guessing its the bad kind of shadow. (To self) I seriously raised the dumbest children on the face of the earth.

Scene: Back at the Magic Shop...

Xander: I can't find anything on a superpowerful chick because it totally makes sense that there have never been superstrong chicks in the history of time that might fit the description of Glory, but we need to seem hopeless so thus there is nothing!

Giles: I'm sure if you keep looking you will continue to find nothing, so keep looking.

Tara: Maybe she's not in the books.

Xander: I could have told you she wasn't in the freaking books...

Tara: Maybe she is super old and pre-dates the written word.

Willow: Good job honey! I'll reward you later. *wink* So Giles, you said that the Dagon Sphere repelled-

Giles: That Which Cannot Be Named

Xander: OMG, we have to fight Voldemort?!

Giles: *facepalm* Xander, do we have to go back to the No Speaking rule with you?

Xander: No, sir.

Giles: Then stop being an idiot. Anyways, I need to go help this lovely lady that just walked in the door...

Glory: I need to buy these.

Giles: Well certainly young lady that in no way can be the very thing we were just discussing.

*Glory buy her things then leaves*

Giles: So, we have to be on our toes for this woman that Buffy fought. Yes, constant vigilance!

Scene: Back at the hospital...

The Doctor: I just got off my TARDIS, I mean, out of your mom's surgery and everything went well.

Buffy: Is she going to be ok?

The Doctor: Do you even know Joss Whedon? Do you understand the universe that you live in? He is your god and you are his pawn to push around. NOTHIGN WILL EVER BE OK!

Buffy: Um... I'm very confused. Can you just tell me what's wrong with my mom?

The Doctor: Ugh... fine. She has brain cancer. She's going to act really weird because we cut up her brain. She may or may not die. But knowing Joss Whedon, I wouldn't hold my breath for a happy ending... Now, I'm off to save the world once again!

*Exit The Doctor, enter Ben*

Ben: Hey, I'm totally just a med student here to be a caring shoulder and absolutely nothing else...

Buffy: My brain is going to explode.

*Exit Ben. Enter Riley*

Riley: I'm cowboy guy!

Buffy: We have to do a spell to save my mom!

Riley: Should we really be "doing a spell" at a time like this?

Buffy: *facepalm* I'm going to the Magic Box. You wait here with Dawn.

Scene: Back at the Magic Box...

Anya: OMG GILES! ARE YOU A FUCKING IDIOT?!?!?!

Giles: Apparently I am for hiring you!

Anya: No you dummy! You sold a Khul's amulet and a Sobekian bloodstone to someone and those are used in super dark magic!

Giles: But that's an ancient old spell and the young women who seemed surprisingly strong could in no way have that kind of knowledge.

Willow: Young woman? Like the bitch that beat up Buffy?

Giles: I'm an idiot.

Xander: ... I don't get it.

*Enter Buffy*

Buffy: Giles! I need a healing spell or potion for my mom.

Giles: Buffy, there really isn't anything or else there would be a cure for the common cold or herpes by now.

Tara: Yeah, it would only make things worse. Like when Xander got the funny syphilis.

Anya: We've made things worse enough, haven't we Giles?!

Buffy: What?

Giles: Nothing... I just kind of... sold an amulet and bloodstone... to *mumbles quickly* the demon woman that beat you up and is going to create a giant snake.

Buffy: Well all we need is a bunch of dynamite again since that worked well last time we fought a giant snake.

Scene: Buffy goes to the zoo to try to stop Glory's spell

Glory: Chanting, chanting, blah blah blah.

Buffy: I am here to stop you.

Glory: BAHAHAHAHA *swiftly kicks Buffy's ass and finishes spell* Giant snake, go find my Key!

Buffy: Key? Wha? Oh this is no bueno.

Scene: Again at the Magic Box... *Riley enters*

Riley: Cowboy guy is here. Where's Buffy?
Xander: She left because she totally doesn't give a shit about you.
Riley: *sad face* But I'm cowboy guy...
*Riley goes to let a vampire bite him to get back at Buffy because that totally makes sense*

*Giant snake goes after Dawn because she's the Key. Dawn screams and scares the snake. Buffy chases it to stop it before it tells Glory that Dawn is the Key. Very, very bad CG ensues. Buffy defeats the snake. Kinda like Rock beats Scissors*
Last Scene: At the hospital... Buffy and Riley
Riley: Just let it all out. I'll be your shoulder to cry on. I'm totally here for you.
Buffy: Whatever.
Riley: *sadface*

The End

- Kali!

Episode 6: Family

Goof afternoon, we're gonna have a great post today!

Welcome to our first Tara centric episode. If this isn't cause to celebrate, I don't know what is! Buckle up and enjoy the ride.

Season Five, Episode Six 

"Family"

We start with story time! "Okay. Once upon a time there was...um... a kitty. She was very little, and she was all alone and nobody wanted her. [...] one day the kitty was running around on the
street and a man came and swooped her up --and took her to the pound. And at the pound there were lots of other kitties, and there were puppies, and some ferrets." Wanna guess who the kitty is? Anyways, let's not get ahead of ours or we'll miss the adorableness of Willow and Tara. 

Tara asks Willow if she can leave the light on and Willow pouts and says that she doesn't need to be snuggled to which Tara calls her a vixen. 

*

Tara explains that she's been working on spells to keep up with Willow and to be useful since she never feels useful. Sadness. Willow tells Tara that she's essential though and then they snuggle and are adorable once more. 

Back at Buffy's, she's telling Giles about the fact that her sister is a ball of energy. I believe this is pretty high on the list for weirdest things someone could ever need to tell you. Giles suggests sending Dawn away somewhere to keep her away from super strong, high heel wearing bitch's sight. Buffy asks where and he responds by suggesting her dad's. And we learn some nice information about dear ol' Mr. Summers: "He's off in... Spain or something, with his secretary. Living the cliché. I called when Mom got sick, he hasn't even... You know when he bailed on us, I remember Dawn cried for a week. Except she didn't. She was never there, but I can still feel what it was like."

From here, we see how well the monks thought out this placement and all they did to Buffy's life. They constructed memories which in turn elicit emotions. Last episode, it was Willow's having involuntary empathy for Dawn and now Buffy not only knowing, but wanting to care for her. 

They end up deciding not to tell the others though, for fear that they'll act weird around her. This would be a good plan if Dawn weren't a teenager who is going to become nosy and snoop until she gets this information, anyways. So let's see how long this secret plan will last... 

Next we learn what great friends the scoobies are by helping Buffy move out. Of course, Anya doesn't want any part of this: "But we just helped her move this stuff in a few days ago! (sees Buffy) And it was fun!"  And while she is less than thrilled, Giles takes on my traditional role when helping people/myself move: "I see myself in a patriarchal sort of role. You know, a lot of pointing and scowling." (this is why my sister hated me for wanting to move my two heavy bookshelves and dresser) 

Tara then makes me fall in love with her even more by acting completely like me. The gang are talking about superpower bitch and say that they'll find her weaknesses so Buffy can get her next time to which Tara says: "Yeah, you learn her source and we'll introduce her to her insect reflection. (much quieter) That was funny if you've studied Taglarin mystic rites and are a total dork." 

 Don't worry, Tara. If I had a nickel for every time people didn't understand my references, I'd be rich. 

Tara leaves feeling embarrassed and passes by Willow. Seeing Tara left, Willow goes into the room and reminds everyone to be at the Bronze by 8. But none of them have any idea what for...

WILLOW: Tomorrow night! Tara's birthday!
BUFFY: Oh, right. Right.
ANYA: We have to bring presents, right? Birth is a present thing.
XANDER: I got something... picked out, yeah...
WILLOW: You all can still come, right? I mean, I know there's this new evil and all...
BUFFY: No, no, we can make it. I could definitely use a break from all this craziness.

Then, just after hearing about Willow's party for her lesbian lover, we switch scenes to a topless guy. 

 lulz

Ben just got off his shift and is about to be greeted by an ugly demon man. However, before ugly demon man can make it over to Ben, he's stopped and taken away by superpower bitch. 

Now at the Magic Box, Anya now has meaning to her life: 

ANYA: They come in, I help them, they give us money in exchange for goods, you give me money for working for you... I have a place in the world now. I'm part of the system. I'm a workin' gal.
GILES: Yes. Well why don't you start organizing the shipping orders?
ANYA: No, that's boring, I just wanna do the money parts. 

Buffy and Xander walk in discussing how they forgot about Tara's birthday party. But they both agree to be there, barring any monsters, because it's important to Willow.

They begin searching to figure out superpower bitch's identity but they don't have much to go on besides Buffy's helpful description of "she was kind of like Cordelia" and "I think she dyes her hair." They begin searching through books and stay completely focused on the task at hand.

BUFFY: So what'd you get her?
XANDER: Huh?
BUFFY: Tara. You said you had a present already.
XANDER: Yeah. That was a tangled web of lies, sweetie. I'm not really sure what kind of thing she'd... I mean I don't really know her that well.
BUFFY: I know.
XANDER: I mean she's nice --
BUFFY: Yeah yeah! Nice nice. I just sort of...
XANDER: I don't necessarily 'get' her. But she's real nice!
BUFFY: Oh yeah. There's that thing, you know.
XANDER: That thing.
BUFFY: That thing of not understanding...
XANDER: Half of what she says?
BUFFY: As for example. A lot of... not understanding. But she's so nice.
XANDER: You betchya.
BUFFY: You think there'll be a lot of wiccans at the party? Big wiccan crowd?
XANDER: That's sort of her deal. Her and Willow are all... wiccie. Swinging with the wiccan lifestyle.
BUFFY: Which is cool.
XANDER: Oh yeah.
BUFFY: I just hope we fit in. Not awkward.
XANDER: With Willow, it's like she's got this whole new thing in her life, but she's still Willow, I can always figure her out. But Tara, I just know she likes Willow, and she already has one of those.  

I love Xander's last line. This whole Tara thing must be difficult for them. Unlike with Oz, they didn't know Tara until she was dating Willow and they have nothing really in common with Tara yet. Let's draw a venn diagram in order to show why the disconnect is occurring, shall we: 

Here is a venn diagram representing Buffy and Xander vs. Willow. As you can see, they have a lot of overlap because they're friends and have a lot of history together. The only real things that separate them are their sexualities and the fact that Xander and Buffy are muggles. But for Buffy and Xander vs. Tara

For this venn diagram, the only real overlap is the fact that all three love Willow (hopefully in different ways, although I would totally understand if they all loved her the way Tara does.)

Buffy claims to be getting a present buying headache from this stress so Xander recommends she go train and work off some of the tension. Cue transition to her and Spike beating each other bloody. And then, something weird happens...

Spike was thinking about Buffy while sleeping with Harmony

Back in reality, Giles asks Buffy and Xander if they found anything yet. They mention candles and other things that make no sense to Giles since he's obviously referring to information about superpower bitch's identity and they are talking about Tara's gift. Giles then shares how "profoundly stupid" he thinks they both are for being in a magic shop and not knowing what to get Tara. Seriously, guys, this is pretty dumb of you not to consider looking around your current location and finding a gift. 

Drunk guy enters the scene and asks like a moron. Everyone is confused until Tara and Willow walk in and drunk guy says "what's the matter, you don't have a hug for your big brother?"

Can't you see the family resemblance? 

Drunk guy (or Donny) continues to be a huge jerk and makes snide remarks about Tara in front of her friends. Then her dad and cousin Beth come in to join in the let's-emotionally-abuse-Tara party. Her dad asks Tara to have dinner and then leaves promptly because he's a huge jerk double parked. 

Buffy returns home to Riley where they exchange some dirtiness about owing favors and outfits when Dawn cockblocks interrupts to inform everyone that she's going to a friend's for dinner and Buffy freaks the hell out. It's quite understandable why she'd freak out, I mean with a bad of an influence as this Melinda seems to be...

Riley questions Buffy's reaction. He agrees with her though that "a lot of young people nowadays are experimenting with shortness" and that we've "gotta nip it in the bud." Poor Buffy can't explain to him that she can't let Dawn go out because she's a big bundle of energy. Awkwardness ensues because Riley is hurt by her reaction, thinking she's just keeping this from him. This is a no win situation, really. Buffy thinks keeping this secret is right but it's just destructive.

Speaking of destructive, Tara walks into her dorm to see her dad there, starring at her "toys" and commenting on how she "doesn't even try to hide it anymore." Get your mind out of the gutter, guys, he's talking about magic. Her dad explains that they came because she's almost turning twenty which means something terrible will soon occur, but we don't know what. He tells her that she's going home with him and the world gets sad.

He talks complete nonsense commenting on how her friends "think [she's] human" and then begins talking about her evilness: 

MR. MACLAY: Tara, you can't control what's going to happen. You're my daughter and I love you but you are a demon. You have evil inside you and it will come out. And letting yourself work all this magic is only gonna make it worse. Where do you think that power comes from?
TARA: I... it doesn't feel... evil. Sir.
MR. MACLAY: Evil never does.

This dialog is so interesting because, as we've noted previously, Joss has a running metaphor of magic being used to describe sexuality. Here we see Tara's dad discussing how she has evil inside of her to which Tara comments saying that it doesn't feel evil and he responds saying that evil never does. On the surface, this conversation is about her being a legit demon, apparently, but the subtext is so much greater with her being evil and a figurative demon rather than a literal one. Poor Tara is trying so hard to be good and do the right thing and he's telling her that what she's doing is evil and she's just refusing to see it. 

Poor Tara...

Willow comes back and they have a fight. Willow wants Tara to join in the scooby meeting and they can try the demon locating spell again (remember, the one that Tara sabotaged back in the last season?) Tara says no and when Willow pushes she says that her family's in town and "not everything is about [Willow's] friends." Ouch...Tara tries to backtrack but the damage is already done. 

Alone once more, Tara gathers material and goes creepin' around the Magic Box and conducts a spell of her own. 

We next see who other than Riley enjoying the ambiance of a demon bar. What the heck is going on here? Luckily, when he gets hit on by a vampire he declines the offer. At least we won't have to worry about him turning to any vampires for some lovin'...

Next Harmony enters Spike's crypt and tells him of the plans that I neglected to mention (oops) about the ugly demon man being recruited by superpower bitch to kill the Slayer. Spike leaves under the notion that he wants a "decent seat" to watch if the Slayer's going to die. 

Back to Tara, we see her leaving the Magic Box and running into Giselle cousin Beth. Tara tells Beth that she's not coming back and she calls her a selfish bitch. Oh snap! But don't worry, Beth informs Tara that they'll soon see unless she did a spell on them...uh-oh, apparently Tara's spell was to keep them from seeing the demon side of her. For some reason, I doubt a spell causing the Slayer and her friends not to be able to see demons is a bad thing...

Aaand I'm proven right. Ugly demon man walks on into the Magic Box without anyone noticing him. He makes his way to Buffy who screams for help after seemingly being attacked by nothing.

Luckily Spike comes in and helps fend off the demon and then becomes angry that he doesn't get acknowledged for his help. How funny. Next Tara comes in and helps direct Buffy to where the demon is and discovers the horribleness of the spell she's cast. She breaks the spell and Buffy kills the ugly demon man without anymore problems. 

And now here's a sad scene: 

TARA: I'm sorry... I'm s-so sorry...I w-was just trying to hide... the spell went wrong...
WILLOW: Tara, what...
TARA: I didn't want you to see... what I am.
WILLOW: What you are?
MR. MACLAY: I told you, you try to run from it you'll put these people in danger. And, my God...
TARA: I didn't mean for anyone to get hurt.
BUFFY: I think you better explain. What do you mean, what you are?
MR. MACLAY: Demon. The women in our family have... demon in them. Her mother had it; it's where the magic comes from. This isn't something we generally like to share with strangers. We came to take her home before... well, before things like this started happening.
WILLOW: Tara, you're not... how could you not say something to me... to me...
GILES: You put a spell on us to keep us from seeing your demon side. That's why we couldn't see our attackers.
BUFFY: Nearly got us killed.
TARA: I'll go.(to everyone) I'm very sorry.
MR. MACLAY: The camper's outside.
WILLOW: Wait! Go? She just did a spell that went wrong! Buffy, it was just a mistake!
MR. MACLAY: It's not the point and it's not your concern. The girl belongs with us. We know how to control her problem.
WILLOW: Tara, look at me. I trusted you more than anyone in my life. Was all of that a lie?
TARA: No! No...
WILLOW: Do you want to leave?
MR. MACLAY: (to Willow) That is not your decision, young lady --
WILLOW: I know that....

 

 Awwwwwwww

Now after all of the epic adorableness, we have some funniness supplied to us by Anya

BETH: Well, I hope you'll all be happy hanging around with a disgusting demon.
Anya raises her hand.
ANYA: Excuse me. What kind?
BETH: What?
ANYA: What kind of demon is she? There's a lot of different kinds, some are very very evil, some have been considered to be useful members of society...
BETH: Well, I don't... what does it matter?
MR. MACLAY: Evil is evil.
ANYA: Well, let's narrow it down...

Spike comes to the rescue and solves the issue of whether or not Tara's a demon by punching her, which causes him pain, meaning that she's human. 

SPIKE: There's no demon in there. That's just the family legend, am I right? Bit of spin to keep the ladies in line? Oh, you're a piece of work. I like you.

And now we get to party at the Bronze! Riley joins Buffy, Tara tries to explain the hilarity of her insect reflection joke to Anya, and Willow takes Tara away to dance with her and I instantly die. 

WILLOW: Good birthday?
TARA: Best birthday.
WILLOW: I still can't believe you never told me about your family and all that.
TARA: I was just afraid if you saw the kind of people I came from... you wouldn't wanna be anywhere near me.
WILLOW: See? That's where you're a dummy. I think about what you grew up with, and then look at what you are... it makes me proud. It makes me love you more. (Favorite Line)
TARA: Every time I... even at my worst, you always make me feel special. How do you do that?
WILLOW: Magic.

 

If you can watch this episode and not fall in love with Tara or here this last bit of dialog and not ship Willow/Tara, I don't understand you at all. 

-Sarah

Kali's Notes:
- I am with Tara and Sarah in the people not understanding my jokes department. I've grown accustom to explaining my obscure references or just laughing at myself. It's fun.
- I really love how Joss uses the metaphor of her family being conservative about her witchcraft for homosexuality. Her "family" is filled with real jerks that don't care to understand the person that Tara is, they only want to judge her based on certain aspects of her life. Especially her brother who should be wearing a helmet and riding the short bus. Or her dad that should be on Fox News with a sign that says "God hates queres!" (And yes, I spelled that wrong on purpose because I did in fact see that exact sign on the news).
- This episode has one of my all-time favorite Buffy moments. (Favorite line: We're family.) I really understand her here because there are people that I consider family and are of no blood relation to me. On the flip side, there are people that I am closely related to and wouldn't consider them my family more than a stranger on the street. I feel like Buffy was talking about Tara, but also partly thinking about Dawn here. She just found out the Dawn is really a ball of energy, but Buffy still considers her her sister.
- Lastly, I of course have to mention Spike. Nothing in particular to add, just needed to mention him. ;)

Season 4, Episode 5

"No Place Like Home"

We decided to do what we haven't done since Season One... a chat log during the episode! Yay!

Kali Waddilove: Ok, I'll count down to play..
Sarah Steelman: How exciting!
Kali Waddilove: Ready
Kali Waddilove: Set...
Kali Waddilove: Play!
Sarah Steelman: Men are running@!
Kali Waddilove: One has a really bad haircut
Sarah Steelman: Apparently they're running @ something!
Kali Waddilove: What language are they speaking?
Kali Waddilove: I wonder if they are wearing anything under those robes
Sarah Steelman: lulz
Sarah Steelman: Buffy really wanted piano lessons, really?
Kali Waddilove: Yeah, I don't see her having the patience for that
Sarah Steelman: Her fellow ravers haha
Kali Waddilove: I like how Buffy dresses for a rave when she goes slaying
Sarah Steelman: You always need to be prepared by looking hot
Kali Waddilove: Ooo, its a shiny glowy ball.

Sarah Steelman: it must be evil!
Kali Waddilove: You'd think it'd be hot to touch
Sarah Steelman: She better not drop it like it's hot
Sarah Steelman: Apparently we're in the 90's now
Kali Waddilove: Fucking Dawn
Sarah Steelman: Dawn was totally me as a child/yesterday...
Kali Waddilove: We can no longer be friends
Sarah Steelman: I'm sort of an idiot; it's not my fault no matter what my sister tells you!
Sarah Steelman: Poor Buffy wants a nickname. We should give her one
Kali Waddilove: Poor Buffy being sad that Dawn was a little pumpkin belly and she was nothing. When in reality Dawn was nothing until 2  months ago, ha
Sarah Steelman: Haha
Sarah Steelman: Spoilers!
Sarah Steelman: Giles outfit = HAHAHAHA

Kali Waddilove: Ha, I love Giles
Kali Waddilove: I love how just from Buffy's glare he takes the hat off.
Kali Waddilove: "Check out all the magic junk" "Our new slogan"
Sarah Steelman: I love that part
Kali Waddilove: Hand over fist, lolz
Sarah Steelman: I love when Buffy questions cliches
Kali Waddilove: It really doesnt make much sense
Sarah Steelman: It really doesn't
Kali Waddilove: Omg, I love Giles line
Sarah Steelman: "it appears to be paranormal in origin" "how can you tell?" "well, it's so shiny"
Kali Waddilove: LOLZ
Sarah Steelman: Again, Dawn is totally me as a kid. Why did my sister let me hang around her and her friends?
Kali Waddilove: Because she was forced to?
Sarah Steelman: Probably
Sarah Steelman: Willow's so hot
Sarah Steelman: "and why can't I ever be little pumpkin belly?!"
Kali Waddilove: Aww
Kali Waddilove: I love how Willow relates to Dawn because she was a spaz too
Sarah Steelman: I love how insanely hot Willow always is..
Sarah Steelman: "but you can call me man nurse, everybody else does" lulz
Kali Waddilove: I know how Buffy feels here, having to be the adult to keep everything together. Its sad
Kali Waddilove: And the doctors are dumb because Joyce should have had a CT Scan right away if she has been having headaches
Sarah Steelman: Dr. Waddilove is apparently on duty now
Kali Waddilove: I've seen enough doctors that I'm pretty qualified myself!
Sarah Steelman: Didn't she have an MRI? That would have been a good test too
Kali Waddilove: Not yet.
Sarah Steelman: Oh, am I completely ahead of where we actually are? lol
Kali Waddilove: Lols at Giles being excited about making money
Sarah Steelman: "the nightwatchman who found this thing went crazy over night"
Kali Waddilove: Oh hey look at this object that might be driving people crazy, lets continue keeping it around
Kali Waddilove: Buffy is like me. Come after me and whatever, but if you hurt my family I will rip your spine out
Sarah Steelman: Yeah, if I did that I'd end up hurting myself...
Sarah Steelman: And I love how we aren't talking about superpower bitch at all now
Kali Waddilove: So crazy superpower bitch is torturing a monk wanting to know where the key is.
Kali Waddilove: Apparently she lost hers and needs his copy
Sarah Steelman: She should go to walmart; that's where I got my toy story key made!
Kali Waddilove: Or call a locksmith
Sarah Steelman: I feel bad for this working dude =(
Sarah Steelman: But what the hell is he doing working in an abadoned building?
Kali Waddilove: Omg, she's losing her shit
Sarah Steelman: So she steals his mind and gets better.
Kali Waddilove: Yay for her
Sarah Steelman: "Do we! Do we? Oh, we do!" this is how I act at work; I don't know how I got hired lol
Kali Waddilove: "That's not candy"
Kali Waddilove: Ha, Xander- "Stay British, you'll be ok"
Sarah Steelman: please go just got replaced with have a nice day, ha
Kali Waddilove: Ha, I like Xander now
Sarah Steelman: Me too
Sarah Steelman: And that's how I gift wrap...
Kali Waddilove: Poor Buffy. She wants to believe that her mom has a spell on her or that something supernatural is hurting her because then she can fight it. When in reality Buffy knows that if its just something medical she can't fight it.
Sarah Steelman: All spells leave a trace. Now where have I heard that before...?
Kali Waddilove: And poor Riley too. He is no longer useful.
Sarah Steelman: "all prayin, no slayin" should be a slogan for some religion
Sarah Steelman: And I feel bad for Riley but he really irks me with his need to be all powerful. He's like Xander only with him not being comfortable taking on the "feminine" aspects of the relationship
Kali Waddilove: Aww, "How about we agree to take care of each other"
Kali Waddilove: I don't think he wants to be powerful, he just wants to feel like Buffy's equal instead of weaker than her
Sarah Steelman: "what are you doing?" "my boyfriend" LOL
Kali Waddilove: LOLZ!
Sarah Steelman: But why can't he be weaker than her? Everyone else is. I agree that their relationship has issues but I think that this need of his to be her equal just exagerates the issue
Sarah Steelman: And can we just all stop and freak out over the fact that Buffy correctly worked this spell?!
Kali Waddilove: I think she just dropped acid actually
Sarah Steelman: lol
Sarah Steelman: Well, Riley did tell her to have a nice trip
Kali Waddilove: Ha! It tastes like yellow!
Kali Waddilove: I'm not tripping mom, I'm fine
Sarah Steelman: It's very weird watching Buffy investigate while Harriet the Spy just stands there watching her instead of investigating herself
Kali Waddilove: LOL! I actually feel a little bad for Dawn here since she has no idea whats going on and Buffy just told her she's not her sister
Sarah Steelman: I feel bad too
Kali Waddilove: SPIKE!
Kali Waddilove: Of course his reaction to realizing he loves Buffy is to stalk her
Sarah Steelman: five words or less

Kali Waddilove: Out. For. A. Walk... Bitch
Sarah Steelman: and is stalking not the correct reaction?
Kali Waddilove: Only if you internet stalk them
Kali Waddilove: "And I never really liked you anyway...and... and you have stupid hair" lol!
Sarah Steelman: lol
Kali Waddilove: Dawn giving Joyce tea right here reminds me of the little girls in The Shining
Sarah Steelman: I never saw that...
Kali Waddilove: I'm not surprised, its slightly scary
Kali Waddilove: OOO, Buffy got bitch slapped
Kali Waddilove: Hand of Glory!
Sarah Steelman: Buffy is getting every square inch of her ass kicked!
Kali Waddilove: Hell yeah she is
Kali Waddilove: And superpower bitch is like "Huh, so you hit me. Totally doesn't hurt"
Kali Waddilove: I love how Buffy rescues the monk JUST in time for him to tell her crucial information and then die. How convienent. What is this Harry Potter? Ha
Sarah Steelman: Ha
Kali Waddilove: But at least we find out pretty early that Dawn is the Key, made by these monks so Buffy can protect her. It would have sucked to have to wait all season to figure out what she was
Sarah Steelman: That would have been horrible
Kali Waddilove: They should have made her a rock and hid her on the bottom of the ocean. Just like Voldemort should have done with his horcruxes
Sarah Steelman: He was really stupid with his horcruxes
Kali Waddilove: Totally
Kali Waddilove: Aww, Buffy is trying to be nice to Dawn now
Sarah Steelman: I know, I'm happy about that
Kali Waddilove: Dawn is less annoying when Buffy is nice to her
Sarah Steelman: And now you feel bad for her because she's a bundle of energy
Kali Waddilove: Couldn't the monks have made her a less annoying bundle of energy tho?
Sarah Steelman: You'd think!
Kali Waddilove: Stupid monks
Sarah Steelman: At least she's a hot bundle of energy; that sort of makes up for it...
Kali Waddilove: Ew
Sarah Steelman: I know, she's not as attractive as Willow but she's not ugly

Kali Waddilove: Alright, so favorite line for the episode? Mine is definitely. "Out. For. A. Walk. Bitch."
Sarah Steelman: Hmm, I think mine's Giles' about it being supernatural in origin since it's so shiny
Kali Waddilove: Ha, yeah that ones good. Xander has a couple good ones too.
Kali Waddilove: This episode isn't too great, but it wasnt definitely necessary to have an exposition episode to explain all this crap about Dawn and the superpower bitch.

Sarah Steelman: Yeah, it has some funny moments in it.
Kali Waddilove: Well, I think that's all unless you have anything to add?
BUZZ!!!
Sarah Steelman: Have I mentioned that Willow's amazing yet?
Sarah Steelman: Buzz what? lol
BUZZ!!!
Kali Waddilove: I dunno, but it was a button so I pushed it to see what would happen LOL
Sarah Steelman: LOL
Kali Waddilove: Ok, we're done now.

Dr. Horrible's Sing Along Blog

Weekends are kind of hectic for both of us right now, so instead of a Saturday post, you are getting a recap of what happened last night!

Sarah and I (and a group of friends) attended the opening night of a live production of Dr.Horrible's Sing Along Blog. It was beyond amazing! The guy that played Dr. Horrible did a fantastic job in capturing his character and his voice was almost better in some spots than Neil Patrick Harris's. The actor playing Captain Hammer didn't have what Nathan Fillion brought to the character, but did and excellent job and was hilarious in his own right. The actress playing Penny had a superb voice, but I felt that she was slightly lacking on the character portion. She just wasn't very Penny-ish.

The play itself added it's own twists here and there to make it more interesting and to make up for the being live and not being able to change scenes as you can on television. I enjoyed the use of a projector and pre-recorded videos. I also liked the things they didn't change, such as the songs. Every song was exactly the same, which I think was highly appreciated by the fans (especially the portions we were invited to sing along to) It was a smaller production so it had a nice intimate feel.

My favorite part was when Dr. Horrible sang A Brand New Day. This is the song that I really felt the actor's emotion coming out in and the quality of his voice was outstanding. Another highlight was the entire audience singing the line "We'd do the weird stuff." We totally would for Nathan Fillion. "The hammer is my penis". Tee-hee.

Sarah will add anything when she gets a chance. Let us know your favorite parts of Dr. Horrible's Sing Along Blog in the comments!

-Kali

Hey look, Sarah has spare time! As Kali mentioned, we're both very busy. Luckily though, I shall become a college graduate this Saturday meaning that I shall (temporarily) have more time! At least until I find myself a second job *head deak.* Anyways, the point is that soon I will have more time which means I will be going back to add my notes to Kali's episodes. Until then, I will post my review of the Dr. Horrible show.


I thought it was freaking awesome! Unlike Kali, my focus wasn't really on the individual actors, but more the atmosphere the created so instead of comparing how they measured up to Neil, Nathan, and Felicia, I'm going to talk about the difference between watching this at home vs. here at the theater. Obviously, everyone knows by now that Kali and I are huge Harry Potter nerds and the experience at this show was akin to that of a midnight release or a showing at an HP conference. Dr. Horrible and Harry Potter are great, great works of art and are always enjoyable. But part of the magic is lost when you are watching it by yourself on DVD. Watching this production was a great way of showing in an amazing moment with a bunch of fellow fans that we may or may not know, ever talk to, or see again. The show was brilliant because it allowed us all to be fans and experience the beauty of this piece together. It didn't really matter to me whether or not I enjoyed their acting, set designs, costumes, or props (even though I thoroughly enjoyed all four), it was just the fact that they created this show that was amazing for me. [/mild sappiness]


Plus, it was a ton of fun going to see it with a group of good friends. I'm sure most of you reading this blog are fellow introverts who live on the interwebz and enjoy time to yourself, but it's still nice from time to time to get together with fellow introverts and act like extraverts.


-Sarah

Season 5, Episode 4

"Out of My Mind"



I have to say, I'm glad to see Buffy back in a cemetery more. We open on her trying to stalk and slay a vampire, but Riley shows up to stake him for her. Don't worry, there's another one. Oh wait, Spike tries to take care of that one. Afterwards, Spike has an ominous line: I will know your blood, Slayer. (pause) I will make your neck my chalice ... and drink deep.

Then proceeds to fall in an open grave. Lolz.

We go to Buffy and Willow discussing class while walking down the hall. I like that we know Buffy is still in college, but we aren't there as much as last year. I'm glad that this season is heavily focused on her being the Slayer since we kind of wandered away from that last season.

At the Magic Shop, Xander and Giles are putting the final touches on carpentry while Anya rearranges the shelves. I have to include the next part or Sarah might stab me.
TARA: I just ... keep thinking how cool it would be, if we got a real psychic to sit up here and read fortunes and stuff.
WILLOW: You should do it.
TARA: Not me. But, but I'd love to, to watch and learn. From someone who's really good, you know?
WILLOW: You're really good. (holds out her hands) I'll prove it. Here, do me.
Tara nods and sits, putting down the cards, taking one of Willow's hands. Willow watches her study it.
TARA: Hmm.
WILLOW: What do you see?
TARA: Willow hand.

In the backroom, Riley is on crack apparently and wants to wrassle. Buffy just wants to look at the pretty training room that Giles and everyone designed for her.

To be a Slayer, you must score at least an 8.5 on the pommel horse!

Next, we have a silly moment, but it actually really applies to the situation. Spike is in front of the telly and he says to it "Oh Pacey, you blind idiot. Can't you see she doesn't love you?" For those not aware, Pacey is a character from Dawson's Creek who falls in love with his best friend's ex-girlfriend and drama ensues. But this is foreshadowing Spike's feelings towards Buffy and it's interesting too if you know who Pacey does end up with...

Not this guy.

Anywho, to get back on track. Harmony shows up because Buffy "won't give up until she's killed me to death!" No one cares to kill you because you are an idiot and need to just go away. Spike lets her stay in his crypt in exchange for sex. They're classy like that. He also wants something else from her (no, not that)- kill the Slayer.

The next morning in the Summer's kitchen, Dawn is apparently 7 years old digging through the cereal box for a prize. Joyce collapses after asking Dawn "Who are you?" Good question. Dawn calls 911 (at least she knows THIS much) and at the hospital Dawn is once again a small child and is playing with the doctor's stethoscope. Seriously, Harry Potter was fighting Voldemort in a cemetery at 14 and Dawn is freaking acting like a toddler. Boo. At least because of her childish antics, we discover that Riley really must be on crack because his heart is beating at 150 bpm. That's really fast and not good at all for a resting heartbeat. But Riley is big tough man and thinks that he can just walk it off and be fine.

Buffy wants to get in contact with the Initiative, so she picks up a phone and says that Riley needs help because apparently that's how phone taps works now. Riley is getting all sweaty playing basketball and Graham goes to hit on him tell him that he needs help. You cut a chip out of your heart with broken glass after being pumped full of drugs. Yeah Riley, you're just A- OK. So Riley goes all PCP crazy, beats everyone up, and runs away. The Scooby gang gather in order to form a search team for him. Buffy decides to screw question Spike.

Now, for fun times at Spike's crypt:
SPIKE: Okay, is it bigger than a breadbox?
HARMONY: (smiling) No. Four left.
SPIKE: So it's smaller than a breadbox.
HARMONY: (giggling) No! Only three!
SPIKE: (quietly annoyed) Harmony ... is it a sodding breadbox?
HARMONY: (clapping and laughing) Yes! Oh my god! Someone's blondie bear is a twenty-question genius!

Buffy tells Spike the situation with Riley and offers to pay him to help bring Riley to the doctor that will help him. Smart move there since now Spike and Harmony head directly to the doctor and force him to remove the chip from Spike's brain.

Tara and Willow are searching for Riley in the burnt down Sunnydale High School where he camped out before. Willow performs a powerful spell to create light in the dark building. We start to see how much Willow's powers have really grown and how it slightly concerns Tara here.

And now, the beginning of the end of Buffy/Riley:
BUFFY: What's happening to you?
RILEY: I go back ... let the government get whimsical with my innards again ... They could do anything that- Best-case scenario, they turn me into Joe Normal, just... (sighs) Just another guy.
BUFFY: And that's not enough for you?
RILEY: It's not enough for *you*.
BUFFY: Why would you say that?
RILEY: Come on. Your last boyfriend wasn't exactly a civilian.
BUFFY: So that's what this is about? You're going to die, all over some macho pissing contest.
RILEY: (shakes his head) It's not about him. It's about us. (Buffy shakes her head, not understanding) You're getting stronger every day, more powerful. I can't touch you. Every day, you're just ... a little further out of my reach.
BUFFY: You wanna touch me? (walks toward him) I'm right here. I'm not the one running away.
RILEY: Not yet.
BUFFY: So you have this all figured out? I'm bailing because you're not in the super club.
RILEY: (shrugs) It's human nature.
BUFFY: (angrily) Don't Psych 101 me. (Riley looks away) Not now. Not after everything that ... Nobody has ever known me the way you do. Nobody. (Riley doesn't look at her) I've opened up to you in ways that I've never opened up to ... God, you're just sitting back there thinking that none of this means anything to me.
RILEY: (still not looking at her) I never said that.
BUFFY: (teary-eyed) Because it obviously doesn't mean anything to you. Do you really think so little of me-
RILEY: Buffy.
BUFFY: No! No. Do you think that I spent the last year with you because you had super powers? If that's what I wanted, then I'd be dating Spike. [Don't count that out too soon, Buffy] (quietly) Riley, I need you. (He looks at her, looks apprehensive) I need you with me ... and I need you healthy. But if you wanna throw it all away because you don't trust me, then ... (firmly) then I'm still gonna make you go to that doctor.

Riley agrees to see the doctor and again says such a sweet line (seriously, how can people not love Riley)
RILEY: Loving you is the scariest thing I've ever done, Buffy. (Favorite Line)

AWWW.

Buffy and Riley discover Graham knocked unconcious and once they wake him up he informs them that Spike and Harmony kidnapped the doctor. Buffy takes Riley to go find them and rants about how she's going to kill Spike. Yeah, right. Then Spike rants about how he's going to kill Buffy. Let me repeat my "Yeah, right". The doctor pretends to remove the chip. Buffy/Riley vs. Harmony/Spike battle ensues and after Spike realizes the chip is still in plus Riley collapses because of his heart everyone goes their seperate ways.

As Spike and Harmony run off through the cemetery, Spike starts to realize a little bit more about how he feels about Buffy.
SPIKE: She follows me, you know, tracks me down. I'm her pet project. Drive Spike round the bend. Makes every day a fresh bout of torture...You don't understand. I can't get rid of her. She's everywhere. She's haunting me, Harmony! ... (quietly) This ... has got to end.

At the hospital, Riley is all patched up, but we can see that Riley really feels like Buffy is slipping away. Even Buffy quickly leaves his side in order to check on her mom (ever heard of a phone?). Now, Graham is trying to convince Riley to come back with him and rejoin their mission. We'll see where this leads...

And now, for what we've all been waiting for...

Cut to Spike's crypt. Spike is sleeping in his chair. Banging noises. Spike opens his eyes and gets up as the door flies open and Buffy walks in.
SPIKE: Should have known it's you. Been nearly six hours.
BUFFY: Well, it would've been less if I wasn't busy cleaning up your mess.
SPIKE: *My* mess? I just *borrowed* the doc. The mess is yours, Slayer. Yours and the boy's.
BUFFY: I'm done.
She takes a stake from her back pocket and walks toward Spike. He looks surprised.
BUFFY: Spike, you're a killer. And I shoulda done this *years* ago.
Spike looks her in the eye.
SPIKE: You know what? Do it. Bloody just do it.
BUFFY: What?
SPIKE: End ... my ... torment. Seeing you, every day, everywhere I go, every time I turn around. Take me ... out of a world ... that has you in it! (Yanks off his shirt and throws it aside) Just kill me!

Hi there, Mr. Yummy Abs

And then this happens:

BUFFY: (panting) Spike ... I want you.
SPIKE: (muffled against her neck) Buffy, I love you. God, I love you so much.

Too bad Spike suddenly awakes to realize it was all just a dream. Yet from his next line we know that while it was just he dream, he knows that the underlying emotions are still there.

Oh god, no. Please... no.

Well there you have it folks. I've been waiting for this moment since we started this blog. Spike is in love with Buffy (as much as a soulless vampire can be in love with someone). Yet, we've seen how much he loved Drusilla so at some level he must be capable of those kind of feelings. Even he knows that this is wrong from his reaction, but who we fall in love with is one of those things that you don't really get a choice about. Excited to see where it goes from here? I sure the hell am!

-Kali!

Episode 3: The Replacement

Season Five, Episode Three

"The Replacement"

The gang (minus Willow and Tara because they're busy having sex) are in Xander's apartment watching a movie. Xander is feeling a bit incompetant because he lives in a basement and isn't a macho man like Riley. He ends up bringing up the idea of getting his own apartment. The conversation quickly turns to the movie where Buffy points out all the inaccuracies. Riley tells her that she's "not always in Slayer mode" and she retorts saying that he'd be the same way with a military movie and Willow's the say with witch movies. She then calls in Xander for backup and we get to our very smooth transition.

Xander: "What? Oh - yeah… She's all "What's that? A Cauldron? Who uses a cauldron anymore?"

This guy, apparently

Xander and Anya go apartment hunting! Anya is very good at this: "I want it; pay anything."  He hears from the realitor while Anya helps some more: "We could have Scooby meetings in the living room. Giles can explain the boring things over here." The realitor isn't interested in Anya's commentary and continues discussing the application with Xander who is shocked she won't just accept him based on his one fake reference and needs to do a credit check first! The nerve of some people...

He freaks a bit and Anya says more things: "He'll take it! Xander, go get the furniture, I'll wait here.
(to the manager) He lives in his drunken parents' basement where something urinated on the hot plate"

Her constant speaking requires Xander to pull her aside to have the conversation ever man wishes to have with his girlfriend:

ANYA: But why can't we have it?
XANDER: I told you. The construction job is ending, I'm not going to have any money coming in. And, by the way, you do have your own place.
ANYA:So when I want to visit you I have to be in that awful basement?
XANDER: Not forever. Just until things come together…
ANYA: Which is when, Xander? 'Cause right now things are looking pretty un-together and you can't expect me to just wait around-
XANDER: Quiet, please. Anya, what is this? What's going on with you?
ANYA: What's going on is my arm is hurt and I'm tired and I don't really feel like finishing the tour of beautiful things I can't have.

Poor Xander. He's learning faster than the rest of the scoobies the value of a dollar. I'm not quite sure why this is though, because Willow doesn't have a great family either. However, at least for now, Xander is the only one out of the group that has to face this harsh reality that things don't just fall into place. His situation sucks hardcore with him needing to pay to feel like a failure in his parent's basement and have to tell Anya that he can't spoil her the way other boyfriends can do to their girlfriends. Xander's problem within this series isn't anything paranormal like Buffy and Willow; his issues are just life and ones that we all have to face. It's debatable that he faces these real life issues more so than the other characters on this show (or at least longer than they do.)

And now we move our way into Giles' new store. Yay for the Magic Box! Uh-oh, Mr. Cauldron Man shows up and tells Giles that "he doesn't concern [him]". Poor Giles doesn't concern the demon =( The best part of this event is him explaining it to the scoobies as if he was some big hero fending off a demon solo. They catch on and figure out the truth though:

BUFFY: He ran away, right?
GILES: Sort of, more… turned and swept out majestically, I suppose. Said I didn't concern him.
BUFFY: So a mythic triumph over a completely indifferent foe?
GILES: Well, I'm not dead or unconscious, so I say bravo for me.

And Giles starts a fun new game for us: Demon or British Slang! First word: Toth. Buffy, what's your guess.

BUFFY: He called you a toth. It's a British expression. It means, like, a moron.

*buzzer sounds* WRONG! Giles, what's the right answer?

GILES: No. Toth is the name of the demon. Ancient demon… very strong… last survivor of the Tothic Clan. It also says that for a demon he's unusually sophisticated.

Giles continues explaining about Toth and informs them that he mentioned "The Slayer." Riley responds as any manly man in love would:

RILEY: He mentioned Buffy? Where do we find him and how hard can I kill him?

Aw, isn't that adorable? He thinks he's a better match against the demon than Buffy

They go into the dump, since Toth apparently smelled, and they run into Spike. And since he's there, they decide to ask for his help:

BUFFY: Spike, we're looking for a demon. Very tall, robe, skin kinda hanging off, deep voice…
SPIKE: What, you mean a great tall robe-y thing like that one?
The Scoobies turn and look behind them. TOTH LOOMS OVER THEM from a nearby hill of garbage, holding the black rod from the teaser.
TOTH: Die well, Slayer
Toth rushes forward as Giles and Riley circle around behind him, axes ready as Toth raises the rod.
SPIKE: Hey, big guy! Kick 'er ass!
Buffy sees the rod in Toth's hand - a fighting staff? She picks up a length of pipe. But Xander sees that Toth is aiming the rod at her.
XANDER: Watch out!
A BLAST OF SPARKS ERUPTS FROM THE ROD AND A PILE OF GARBAGE NEXT TO BUFFY EXPLODES!
RILEY: Take cover!
Riley grabs Willow's arm, pulls her away from the action. TOTH FIRES THE WEAPON AGAIN. SPIKE'S NEW LAMP IS HIT, SHATTERING IN HIS HAND.
SPIKE: Oh, very nice. I was on your side!

You know you love me

Xander gets hit by Toth's nerf blaster gun and then some weird shit starts to happen...

We start the strangeness by Xander waking up in the dump and going over to find Anya and finding himself!

He goes to call Buffy on a payphone and she answers just as he passes himself. Wtf is going on here?!

Xander's stuff is what's really important, so the other points that come up I'm just going to bullet point because I am stressed with finals and don't have that much time to write this.

-Dawn is sort of awesome:

DAWN: *after making gagging noises while watching Riley and Buffy kiss* My friend Sharon's older brother knows a girl who died 'cause she choked on her boyfriend's tongue.
BUFFY: Go away, Dawn.
DAWN: I'm not in your room. I'm in the hallway. The hallway doesn't belong to you.
-Spike builds himself a new little toy Buffy because it's cheaper than buying the ones they sell in stores.

BACK TO XANDER!

Xander (X1) is working at the construction site while Xander (X2) watches him. X1 goes into the office and X2 waits for him to get fired, but he doesn't. X1 gets the job. X2 sees X1 flipping a little coin and assumes that he's using magic. X1 goes to the apartment and learns that he's been accepted! And the realitor hits on him! X2 doesn't understand anything about what's going on...

X1 calls Anya to ask her to meet him at his new apartment, only he doesn't tell her that he was approved yet. X2 reacts by attacking himself.

X1 leaves and X2 declares that he needs Buffy but he arrives too late and sees that X1 is already inside with Giles, Buffy, and Riley. He thinks that Buffy will know that it's a spell and not really him but overhears her saying that whoever stole his face, has to deal with the Slayer now. Poor X2...

X2 goes to Willow and they have this awesome conversation:

XANDER: Don't be scared, Will. Just listen. It's me, Xander. And I can prove it.
WILLOW: Um... okay.
XANDER: Let's see... stuff only you and me know. Okay, for my seventh birthday I wanted a toy fire truck and I didn't get it and you were really nice about it and then the house next door burned down and real fire trucks came and for years I thought you set the fire for me. And if you did, you can tell me. And for a while last year I thought I was lactose intolerant but it was just some bad brie. And, by the way, if I had time to prepare, I'd have way better material than this. Oh! Every Christmas we watch Charlie Brown together and I do the Snoopy dance!
WILLOW: Are you just going to keep going?
XANDER: Yes!! Yes! I will keep going until I have you convinced!
WILLOW: Xander, stop dancing!
XANDER: A-ha! You called me Xander!
WILLOW: Xander, shut up. Why wouldn't I think you were Xander?
XANDER: Oh. Huh.
WILLOW: What's going on?
X2 then explains to her about what's been going on and tells her about X1 and how he stole his face and is hypnotizing people and they need to kill him! Back at Giles, X1 is having the same conversation with his supporters. We then learn what is causing this:

XANDER: It's a robot! An evil robot constructed from evil parts that look like me and are designed to do evil!
WILLOW: Uh-huh. Or, it's Toth.
XANDER: Or, it's Toth!

Infinite lulz

Now, with Willow, X2 has a sad:

WILLOW: Xander, you sound a little-- You have to help me figure this out, you know.
XANDER: But I never help. I get in trouble and Buffy saves me.
WILLOW: That's not true! Sometimes we all work together to save you! (Favorite Line) And sometimes you're not in trouble.

He begins telling Willow about his insecurites and how he can't do anything right and how X1 is doing everything better than him. He is in the middle of telling her how he doesn't have anything that's worth--and then he remembers Anya and tells Willow how he needs her (to which she replies "really?" lulz)

He starts to leave to go to Anya when Willow asks him the question we all were, or should have been, wondering

WILLOW: Xander, you already knew he was taking over your life. You didn't think about Anya 'til just now?
XANDER: Hey, wait 'til you have an evil twin, see how you handle it!
Willow is left alone.
WILLOW: I handled it fine.

Willow is really bringing the lulz in this episode!

Back at the apartment, X1 is telling Anya about how he got the apartment and that it's all for her. D'awwww. Next, Anya becomes more awesome:

ANYA: So what happens next?
XANDER-DOUBLE: Well, at some point we take our clothes off.
ANYA: I mean, what's next in our lives? When do we get a car?
XANDER-DOUBLE: A car?
ANYA: And a boat. No, wait. I don't mean a boat. I mean a puppy. Or a child? I have a list somewhere.
XANDER-DOUBLE: What are you talking about?
ANYA: Just, we have to get going. I don't have time to just let these things happen.
XANDER-DOUBLE: There's no hurry.
ANYA: Yes, there is. There's a hurry Xander. I'm dying. I may have as few as fifty years left.
X1 understands the issue here and talks with Anya about how scary being newly human must be for her. He's very sweet and tries to comfort her until...

They then both force Anya to pick which Xander is the real Xander. She determines this simply by asking the real Xander to please stand up. Why didn't everyone else think of this?!

Back with the incompetent scoobies, they work toward becoming more competent

WILLOW: He came to me. I mean, Xander did. He's in terrible shape. We need to help him!
RILEY: He came to us, too.
WILLOW: No! We each had a Xander. I mean you didn't have a Xander! You had a demon in a Xander-suit!
BUFFY: But, wait, what make you think yours was the right one?
WILLOW: He knew stuff. He did the Snoopy dance. Buffy, it was Xander and he needs us!
GILES: Oh dear lord.
RILEY: Buffy... Our Xander. Did he seem a little...
BUFFY: He was kind of... forceful and confident.
WILLOW: That's not Xander! (LOL)
GILES: I said oh dear lord.
BUFFY: You always say that.
GILES: Well, it's always important! Neither one of the Xanders is a demon.
WILLOW: Um... is one of them a robot?
GILES: What? No. The rod device, it's called a  Ferula-gemina. It splits one person into half, distilling personality traits into two separate bodies. As near as I can tell Toth was attempting to split the Slayer into two different entities.
RILEY: Two Buffys?
GILES: Yes, one of them with all the qualities inherent in Buffy Summers. The other with everything that belongs to the Slayer alone: the strength and speed, the heritage. When it hit Xander, I think it separated him into his strongest qualities and his... weakest.
RILEY: But which one is the real one?
GILES: They're both real. They're both Xander. Neither of them is evil. There's nothing in either of them that our Xander didn't already posses.
RILEY: I still don't get the original plan. Why do it? The Slayer half would be like Slayer-concentrate. Pretty unkillable.
GILES: But the two halves can't exist without the other. Kill the weaker Buffy half and the Slayer half dies.
BUFFY: So, same thing for the Xanders, right? Both of them need to stay alive or they both die.
Luckily for those in the know, X1 brought a gun to the party!

Willow, Buffy, and Riley come just in time to stop the X2 from shooting X1 and killing them both in the process. They tell the Xanders about what happened but they don't believe her so to prove that they are the same person she comes up with this genius plan:

Buffy: What number am I thinking of? Xanders: Eleven and a half

X1 still isn't convinced because of X2's shiny magic disk which turns out to be a flatten coin he found on the construction site. With all of this settled enough for each Xander to not act all murderous toward the other, they're attempt to move their party over to Giles appartment but their plans are foiled by Mr. Cauldron Man errr, I mean Toth.

Some fighting occurs and, obviously, Buffy wins. Doesn't it feel like this always happens? When is she going to lose a battle against someone? *cough* soon *cough*

They then travel to the Magic Box where Buffy and Willow point out every weird physical flaw on both Xanders while Riley gets all psychology crazy and wants to lock them each in separate rooms and perform experiments on them.

That idea would never be approved by the IRB, Riley...

And Anya decides that they shouldn't put them back together quite yet. At least not until she gets to do dirty things with both of them.

GILES: Now, we need to arrange the candles. Also, we can continue to pretend we heard none of this disturbing sex talk.

Willow's ready with the spell and Anya asks:

ANYA: What do we do if it doesn't work?
XANDER/XANDER-DOUBLE: Kill us both, Spock!
They laugh, cracking each other up.
BUFFY: They're kind of... the same now.
GILES: Yes. He's clearly a bad influence on himself.

And now Giles is bringing the lulz!

Willow works some magic (literally) and Xander is now one person again. But Anya isn't happy...

Anya: I liked it the other way. Put ‘em back.

Riley is helping Xander move out and Anya comes in, slingless, to declare to the world that she isn't dying anytime soon. Xander asks her to carry a box and she gets pouty, but obliges. Once she leaves, Riley and Xander have a conversation:

XANDER: How is it that she can always make me feel like Suave Xander has left the building?
RILEY: You two have your friction, but she digs the whole package. It's obvious.
XANDER: Still, I do envy you sometimes. I mean, for the sanity. Not that I'm still into Buffy. Not that I ever was.
RILEY: Hey, I'm well aware of how lucky I am. Like, lottery lucky. Buffy's like nobody else in the world. When I'm with her, it's like I'm split in two -- half of me is just on fire, going crazy if I'm not touching her. Other half is so still and peaceful, just perfectly content. Just knows: this is the one...

But she doesn't love me.

-Sarah

Kali's Notes:
- There really isn't anything else to cover or add. I just want to say that the end of this episode is one of my all-time favorite Riley moments. (Favorite line: When I'm with her, it's like I'm split in two -- half of me is just on fire, going crazy if I'm not touching her. Other half is so still and peaceful, just perfectly content. Just knows: this is the one...) This is such a beautiful line, and I know exactly how he feels, but it's heart-breaking that he knows she doesn't feel the same way about him. Sadz. :(