Season 5, Episode 8

Because of the way we split the episodes up, Kali has had a lot this week and is taking the easy (at least funny) way out and presenting you with:

"Shadow"

Rewritten by: Kali Waddilove

Scene: Joyce getting a CT Scan. NOT a CAT Scan, although it's pronounced that way.

Buffy: Here drink a soda, it'll make the fact that our mother is dying better.

Dawn: Why's it called a CAT Scan? Do they test it on cats?

Buffy: *claps hands over Dawn's head* Stupid sister! Don't ask dumb questions.

Scene: At the Magic Box with Giles, Tara, Willow, Anya, and Xander

Tara: This ad is hard to say, but you're British and talk funny so it's ok.

Anya: Am I mentioned? Since I am the only thing that's important!

Giles: No. Go away.

Xander: So Riley was totally supposed to meet us to kill some vamps and he blew them all up instead.

Willow: What an asshole!

Everyone: Willow!

Willow: I mean... what a poop head!

Giles: That is not of import. We must research the superpower bitch that kicked Buffy's ass.

Anya: Or just flip through pages and pretend to be busy.

Xander: I'm sure she's off planning evil in the sewers.

Scene: Glory in a super awesome apartment, trying on new shoes.

Glory: I am so awesome and powerful that I can try on shoes and have my minions do all the work.

Dreg: I will do everything for you, your supermegafoxyawesomehottness. Here is a spell that will do something that I don't know yet!

Glory: Sweet, I just need to go to a magic store and get some ingredients. Hmm, look at this phone book that is convienently opened to a page for the Magic Box.

Scene: Riley enters Buffy's house since the door was left open. He walks up to Buffy's room and finds Spike.

Riley: Doobdee doo... I'm cowboy guy... Wait, what the devil is going on here?

Spike: Um... I'm not stalking Buffy and smelling her underwear sweater if that's what you think. No sir.
Riley: That's alright I smell her panties all the time... I mean, stop that you creeper! Get out!

Spike: But she said I could. We spent last night together if you know what I mean.

Riley: No, actually I don't.

Spike: Buffy like vampires, you just can't satisfy her like we can.

*Riley puts Spike in the sun.*

Spike: HEY! That's really hot! Shouldn't you be with Buffy at the hospital?

Riley: Wait... what? I was busy in my cowboy acting class. What's going on?

Spike: Her mom is having some test. I'm apparently more important than you since she told me.

Riley: Stop making fun of me or I'll tell my mommy!

*Riley grabs his marbles and runs home*



Scene: The hospital with Buffy and Dawn. Enter Riley.

Riley: I came as soon as I heard from Spike and not you because you don't seem to care enough to tell your boyfriend anything that's going on in your life.

Buffy: I have more important things to do. *leaves room*

*Buffy enters X-Ray room with her mom and the Doctor*

The Doctor: I need to go get in my TARDIS, I mean, schedule the OR. I'll be back. *exits*

Joyce: There is a shadow.

Buffy: Is it a shadow puppet? Because any other kind of shadow sounds bad.

Joyce: Well it seems they are going to cut into my brain, so I'm guessing its the bad kind of shadow. (To self) I seriously raised the dumbest children on the face of the earth.

Scene: Back at the Magic Shop...

Xander: I can't find anything on a superpowerful chick because it totally makes sense that there have never been superstrong chicks in the history of time that might fit the description of Glory, but we need to seem hopeless so thus there is nothing!

Giles: I'm sure if you keep looking you will continue to find nothing, so keep looking.

Tara: Maybe she's not in the books.

Xander: I could have told you she wasn't in the freaking books...

Tara: Maybe she is super old and pre-dates the written word.

Willow: Good job honey! I'll reward you later. *wink* So Giles, you said that the Dagon Sphere repelled-

Giles: That Which Cannot Be Named

Xander: OMG, we have to fight Voldemort?!

Giles: *facepalm* Xander, do we have to go back to the No Speaking rule with you?

Xander: No, sir.

Giles: Then stop being an idiot. Anyways, I need to go help this lovely lady that just walked in the door...

Glory: I need to buy these.

Giles: Well certainly young lady that in no way can be the very thing we were just discussing.

*Glory buy her things then leaves*

Giles: So, we have to be on our toes for this woman that Buffy fought. Yes, constant vigilance!

Scene: Back at the hospital...

The Doctor: I just got off my TARDIS, I mean, out of your mom's surgery and everything went well.

Buffy: Is she going to be ok?

The Doctor: Do you even know Joss Whedon? Do you understand the universe that you live in? He is your god and you are his pawn to push around. NOTHIGN WILL EVER BE OK!

Buffy: Um... I'm very confused. Can you just tell me what's wrong with my mom?

The Doctor: Ugh... fine. She has brain cancer. She's going to act really weird because we cut up her brain. She may or may not die. But knowing Joss Whedon, I wouldn't hold my breath for a happy ending... Now, I'm off to save the world once again!

*Exit The Doctor, enter Ben*

Ben: Hey, I'm totally just a med student here to be a caring shoulder and absolutely nothing else...

Buffy: My brain is going to explode.

*Exit Ben. Enter Riley*

Riley: I'm cowboy guy!

Buffy: We have to do a spell to save my mom!

Riley: Should we really be "doing a spell" at a time like this?

Buffy: *facepalm* I'm going to the Magic Box. You wait here with Dawn.

Scene: Back at the Magic Box...

Anya: OMG GILES! ARE YOU A FUCKING IDIOT?!?!?!

Giles: Apparently I am for hiring you!

Anya: No you dummy! You sold a Khul's amulet and a Sobekian bloodstone to someone and those are used in super dark magic!

Giles: But that's an ancient old spell and the young women who seemed surprisingly strong could in no way have that kind of knowledge.

Willow: Young woman? Like the bitch that beat up Buffy?

Giles: I'm an idiot.

Xander: ... I don't get it.

*Enter Buffy*

Buffy: Giles! I need a healing spell or potion for my mom.

Giles: Buffy, there really isn't anything or else there would be a cure for the common cold or herpes by now.

Tara: Yeah, it would only make things worse. Like when Xander got the funny syphilis.

Anya: We've made things worse enough, haven't we Giles?!

Buffy: What?

Giles: Nothing... I just kind of... sold an amulet and bloodstone... to *mumbles quickly* the demon woman that beat you up and is going to create a giant snake.

Buffy: Well all we need is a bunch of dynamite again since that worked well last time we fought a giant snake.

Scene: Buffy goes to the zoo to try to stop Glory's spell

Glory: Chanting, chanting, blah blah blah.

Buffy: I am here to stop you.

Glory: BAHAHAHAHA *swiftly kicks Buffy's ass and finishes spell* Giant snake, go find my Key!

Buffy: Key? Wha? Oh this is no bueno.

Scene: Again at the Magic Box... *Riley enters*

Riley: Cowboy guy is here. Where's Buffy?
Xander: She left because she totally doesn't give a shit about you.
Riley: *sad face* But I'm cowboy guy...
*Riley goes to let a vampire bite him to get back at Buffy because that totally makes sense*

*Giant snake goes after Dawn because she's the Key. Dawn screams and scares the snake. Buffy chases it to stop it before it tells Glory that Dawn is the Key. Very, very bad CG ensues. Buffy defeats the snake. Kinda like Rock beats Scissors*
Last Scene: At the hospital... Buffy and Riley
Riley: Just let it all out. I'll be your shoulder to cry on. I'm totally here for you.
Buffy: Whatever.
Riley: *sadface*

The End

- Kali!