Episode 3: The Replacement

Season Five, Episode Three

"The Replacement"

The gang (minus Willow and Tara because they're busy having sex) are in Xander's apartment watching a movie. Xander is feeling a bit incompetant because he lives in a basement and isn't a macho man like Riley. He ends up bringing up the idea of getting his own apartment. The conversation quickly turns to the movie where Buffy points out all the inaccuracies. Riley tells her that she's "not always in Slayer mode" and she retorts saying that he'd be the same way with a military movie and Willow's the say with witch movies. She then calls in Xander for backup and we get to our very smooth transition.

Xander: "What? Oh - yeah… She's all "What's that? A Cauldron? Who uses a cauldron anymore?"

This guy, apparently

Xander and Anya go apartment hunting! Anya is very good at this: "I want it; pay anything."  He hears from the realitor while Anya helps some more: "We could have Scooby meetings in the living room. Giles can explain the boring things over here." The realitor isn't interested in Anya's commentary and continues discussing the application with Xander who is shocked she won't just accept him based on his one fake reference and needs to do a credit check first! The nerve of some people...

He freaks a bit and Anya says more things: "He'll take it! Xander, go get the furniture, I'll wait here.
(to the manager) He lives in his drunken parents' basement where something urinated on the hot plate"

Her constant speaking requires Xander to pull her aside to have the conversation ever man wishes to have with his girlfriend:

ANYA: But why can't we have it?
XANDER: I told you. The construction job is ending, I'm not going to have any money coming in. And, by the way, you do have your own place.
ANYA:So when I want to visit you I have to be in that awful basement?
XANDER: Not forever. Just until things come together…
ANYA: Which is when, Xander? 'Cause right now things are looking pretty un-together and you can't expect me to just wait around-
XANDER: Quiet, please. Anya, what is this? What's going on with you?
ANYA: What's going on is my arm is hurt and I'm tired and I don't really feel like finishing the tour of beautiful things I can't have.

Poor Xander. He's learning faster than the rest of the scoobies the value of a dollar. I'm not quite sure why this is though, because Willow doesn't have a great family either. However, at least for now, Xander is the only one out of the group that has to face this harsh reality that things don't just fall into place. His situation sucks hardcore with him needing to pay to feel like a failure in his parent's basement and have to tell Anya that he can't spoil her the way other boyfriends can do to their girlfriends. Xander's problem within this series isn't anything paranormal like Buffy and Willow; his issues are just life and ones that we all have to face. It's debatable that he faces these real life issues more so than the other characters on this show (or at least longer than they do.)

And now we move our way into Giles' new store. Yay for the Magic Box! Uh-oh, Mr. Cauldron Man shows up and tells Giles that "he doesn't concern [him]". Poor Giles doesn't concern the demon =( The best part of this event is him explaining it to the scoobies as if he was some big hero fending off a demon solo. They catch on and figure out the truth though:

BUFFY: He ran away, right?
GILES: Sort of, more… turned and swept out majestically, I suppose. Said I didn't concern him.
BUFFY: So a mythic triumph over a completely indifferent foe?
GILES: Well, I'm not dead or unconscious, so I say bravo for me.

And Giles starts a fun new game for us: Demon or British Slang! First word: Toth. Buffy, what's your guess.

BUFFY: He called you a toth. It's a British expression. It means, like, a moron.

*buzzer sounds* WRONG! Giles, what's the right answer?

GILES: No. Toth is the name of the demon. Ancient demon… very strong… last survivor of the Tothic Clan. It also says that for a demon he's unusually sophisticated.

Giles continues explaining about Toth and informs them that he mentioned "The Slayer." Riley responds as any manly man in love would:

RILEY: He mentioned Buffy? Where do we find him and how hard can I kill him?

Aw, isn't that adorable? He thinks he's a better match against the demon than Buffy

They go into the dump, since Toth apparently smelled, and they run into Spike. And since he's there, they decide to ask for his help:

BUFFY: Spike, we're looking for a demon. Very tall, robe, skin kinda hanging off, deep voice…
SPIKE: What, you mean a great tall robe-y thing like that one?
The Scoobies turn and look behind them. TOTH LOOMS OVER THEM from a nearby hill of garbage, holding the black rod from the teaser.
TOTH: Die well, Slayer
Toth rushes forward as Giles and Riley circle around behind him, axes ready as Toth raises the rod.
SPIKE: Hey, big guy! Kick 'er ass!
Buffy sees the rod in Toth's hand - a fighting staff? She picks up a length of pipe. But Xander sees that Toth is aiming the rod at her.
XANDER: Watch out!
A BLAST OF SPARKS ERUPTS FROM THE ROD AND A PILE OF GARBAGE NEXT TO BUFFY EXPLODES!
RILEY: Take cover!
Riley grabs Willow's arm, pulls her away from the action. TOTH FIRES THE WEAPON AGAIN. SPIKE'S NEW LAMP IS HIT, SHATTERING IN HIS HAND.
SPIKE: Oh, very nice. I was on your side!

You know you love me

Xander gets hit by Toth's nerf blaster gun and then some weird shit starts to happen...

We start the strangeness by Xander waking up in the dump and going over to find Anya and finding himself!

He goes to call Buffy on a payphone and she answers just as he passes himself. Wtf is going on here?!

Xander's stuff is what's really important, so the other points that come up I'm just going to bullet point because I am stressed with finals and don't have that much time to write this.

-Dawn is sort of awesome:

DAWN: *after making gagging noises while watching Riley and Buffy kiss* My friend Sharon's older brother knows a girl who died 'cause she choked on her boyfriend's tongue.
BUFFY: Go away, Dawn.
DAWN: I'm not in your room. I'm in the hallway. The hallway doesn't belong to you.
-Spike builds himself a new little toy Buffy because it's cheaper than buying the ones they sell in stores.

BACK TO XANDER!

Xander (X1) is working at the construction site while Xander (X2) watches him. X1 goes into the office and X2 waits for him to get fired, but he doesn't. X1 gets the job. X2 sees X1 flipping a little coin and assumes that he's using magic. X1 goes to the apartment and learns that he's been accepted! And the realitor hits on him! X2 doesn't understand anything about what's going on...

X1 calls Anya to ask her to meet him at his new apartment, only he doesn't tell her that he was approved yet. X2 reacts by attacking himself.

X1 leaves and X2 declares that he needs Buffy but he arrives too late and sees that X1 is already inside with Giles, Buffy, and Riley. He thinks that Buffy will know that it's a spell and not really him but overhears her saying that whoever stole his face, has to deal with the Slayer now. Poor X2...

X2 goes to Willow and they have this awesome conversation:

XANDER: Don't be scared, Will. Just listen. It's me, Xander. And I can prove it.
WILLOW: Um... okay.
XANDER: Let's see... stuff only you and me know. Okay, for my seventh birthday I wanted a toy fire truck and I didn't get it and you were really nice about it and then the house next door burned down and real fire trucks came and for years I thought you set the fire for me. And if you did, you can tell me. And for a while last year I thought I was lactose intolerant but it was just some bad brie. And, by the way, if I had time to prepare, I'd have way better material than this. Oh! Every Christmas we watch Charlie Brown together and I do the Snoopy dance!
WILLOW: Are you just going to keep going?
XANDER: Yes!! Yes! I will keep going until I have you convinced!
WILLOW: Xander, stop dancing!
XANDER: A-ha! You called me Xander!
WILLOW: Xander, shut up. Why wouldn't I think you were Xander?
XANDER: Oh. Huh.
WILLOW: What's going on?
X2 then explains to her about what's been going on and tells her about X1 and how he stole his face and is hypnotizing people and they need to kill him! Back at Giles, X1 is having the same conversation with his supporters. We then learn what is causing this:

XANDER: It's a robot! An evil robot constructed from evil parts that look like me and are designed to do evil!
WILLOW: Uh-huh. Or, it's Toth.
XANDER: Or, it's Toth!

Infinite lulz

Now, with Willow, X2 has a sad:

WILLOW: Xander, you sound a little-- You have to help me figure this out, you know.
XANDER: But I never help. I get in trouble and Buffy saves me.
WILLOW: That's not true! Sometimes we all work together to save you! (Favorite Line) And sometimes you're not in trouble.

He begins telling Willow about his insecurites and how he can't do anything right and how X1 is doing everything better than him. He is in the middle of telling her how he doesn't have anything that's worth--and then he remembers Anya and tells Willow how he needs her (to which she replies "really?" lulz)

He starts to leave to go to Anya when Willow asks him the question we all were, or should have been, wondering

WILLOW: Xander, you already knew he was taking over your life. You didn't think about Anya 'til just now?
XANDER: Hey, wait 'til you have an evil twin, see how you handle it!
Willow is left alone.
WILLOW: I handled it fine.

Willow is really bringing the lulz in this episode!

Back at the apartment, X1 is telling Anya about how he got the apartment and that it's all for her. D'awwww. Next, Anya becomes more awesome:

ANYA: So what happens next?
XANDER-DOUBLE: Well, at some point we take our clothes off.
ANYA: I mean, what's next in our lives? When do we get a car?
XANDER-DOUBLE: A car?
ANYA: And a boat. No, wait. I don't mean a boat. I mean a puppy. Or a child? I have a list somewhere.
XANDER-DOUBLE: What are you talking about?
ANYA: Just, we have to get going. I don't have time to just let these things happen.
XANDER-DOUBLE: There's no hurry.
ANYA: Yes, there is. There's a hurry Xander. I'm dying. I may have as few as fifty years left.
X1 understands the issue here and talks with Anya about how scary being newly human must be for her. He's very sweet and tries to comfort her until...

They then both force Anya to pick which Xander is the real Xander. She determines this simply by asking the real Xander to please stand up. Why didn't everyone else think of this?!

Back with the incompetent scoobies, they work toward becoming more competent

WILLOW: He came to me. I mean, Xander did. He's in terrible shape. We need to help him!
RILEY: He came to us, too.
WILLOW: No! We each had a Xander. I mean you didn't have a Xander! You had a demon in a Xander-suit!
BUFFY: But, wait, what make you think yours was the right one?
WILLOW: He knew stuff. He did the Snoopy dance. Buffy, it was Xander and he needs us!
GILES: Oh dear lord.
RILEY: Buffy... Our Xander. Did he seem a little...
BUFFY: He was kind of... forceful and confident.
WILLOW: That's not Xander! (LOL)
GILES: I said oh dear lord.
BUFFY: You always say that.
GILES: Well, it's always important! Neither one of the Xanders is a demon.
WILLOW: Um... is one of them a robot?
GILES: What? No. The rod device, it's called a  Ferula-gemina. It splits one person into half, distilling personality traits into two separate bodies. As near as I can tell Toth was attempting to split the Slayer into two different entities.
RILEY: Two Buffys?
GILES: Yes, one of them with all the qualities inherent in Buffy Summers. The other with everything that belongs to the Slayer alone: the strength and speed, the heritage. When it hit Xander, I think it separated him into his strongest qualities and his... weakest.
RILEY: But which one is the real one?
GILES: They're both real. They're both Xander. Neither of them is evil. There's nothing in either of them that our Xander didn't already posses.
RILEY: I still don't get the original plan. Why do it? The Slayer half would be like Slayer-concentrate. Pretty unkillable.
GILES: But the two halves can't exist without the other. Kill the weaker Buffy half and the Slayer half dies.
BUFFY: So, same thing for the Xanders, right? Both of them need to stay alive or they both die.
Luckily for those in the know, X1 brought a gun to the party!

Willow, Buffy, and Riley come just in time to stop the X2 from shooting X1 and killing them both in the process. They tell the Xanders about what happened but they don't believe her so to prove that they are the same person she comes up with this genius plan:

Buffy: What number am I thinking of? Xanders: Eleven and a half

X1 still isn't convinced because of X2's shiny magic disk which turns out to be a flatten coin he found on the construction site. With all of this settled enough for each Xander to not act all murderous toward the other, they're attempt to move their party over to Giles appartment but their plans are foiled by Mr. Cauldron Man errr, I mean Toth.

Some fighting occurs and, obviously, Buffy wins. Doesn't it feel like this always happens? When is she going to lose a battle against someone? *cough* soon *cough*

They then travel to the Magic Box where Buffy and Willow point out every weird physical flaw on both Xanders while Riley gets all psychology crazy and wants to lock them each in separate rooms and perform experiments on them.

That idea would never be approved by the IRB, Riley...

And Anya decides that they shouldn't put them back together quite yet. At least not until she gets to do dirty things with both of them.

GILES: Now, we need to arrange the candles. Also, we can continue to pretend we heard none of this disturbing sex talk.

Willow's ready with the spell and Anya asks:

ANYA: What do we do if it doesn't work?
XANDER/XANDER-DOUBLE: Kill us both, Spock!
They laugh, cracking each other up.
BUFFY: They're kind of... the same now.
GILES: Yes. He's clearly a bad influence on himself.

And now Giles is bringing the lulz!

Willow works some magic (literally) and Xander is now one person again. But Anya isn't happy...

Anya: I liked it the other way. Put ‘em back.

Riley is helping Xander move out and Anya comes in, slingless, to declare to the world that she isn't dying anytime soon. Xander asks her to carry a box and she gets pouty, but obliges. Once she leaves, Riley and Xander have a conversation:

XANDER: How is it that she can always make me feel like Suave Xander has left the building?
RILEY: You two have your friction, but she digs the whole package. It's obvious.
XANDER: Still, I do envy you sometimes. I mean, for the sanity. Not that I'm still into Buffy. Not that I ever was.
RILEY: Hey, I'm well aware of how lucky I am. Like, lottery lucky. Buffy's like nobody else in the world. When I'm with her, it's like I'm split in two -- half of me is just on fire, going crazy if I'm not touching her. Other half is so still and peaceful, just perfectly content. Just knows: this is the one...

But she doesn't love me.

-Sarah

Kali's Notes:
- There really isn't anything else to cover or add. I just want to say that the end of this episode is one of my all-time favorite Riley moments. (Favorite line: When I'm with her, it's like I'm split in two -- half of me is just on fire, going crazy if I'm not touching her. Other half is so still and peaceful, just perfectly content. Just knows: this is the one...) This is such a beautiful line, and I know exactly how he feels, but it's heart-breaking that he knows she doesn't feel the same way about him. Sadz. :(