Season 5, Episode 2

“Real Me”

Oh my god, so this episode totally starts out all boring with Buffy training with Giles and some stupid magic crystals. Like who cares, right? I mean, she does do a pretty awesome handstand, but she’s still boring.

Yay, it’s Dawn! She’s totally this shows best character. I think the show should be all about her. No one understands her pain. She’s the little sister of Buffy, who is totally not all that and a bag of chips. Anyone could do what she does if they had super powers. I bet Dawn could do it even more awesome than Buffy since Dawn is totally cooler.

So now, Buffy is all “I’m going to the magic shop with Giles” and Joyce is all like “Take Dawn school supply shopping Buffy” which is totally not cool. And oh my gosh, Dawn makes the funniest joke EVER by saying “Yeah mom, I’m not going to Hogwarts”. LOL, Dawn is so awesome and Buffy sucks for not finding this funny! Totally my favorite line in this episode!

Riley comes over and is totally all over Buffy and it’s really super gross. Then Buffy totally bails on him to go shopping with Giles. Then Giles is listening to boring music and yells at Dawn for trying to change the station, what an old fart. He’s just so old and boring.

Look! It’s Willow and Tara. They are totally the coolest people in the whole wide world. They are smart and into witchcraft, which is totally more awesome than stupid slaying. I wish I could watch them do a spell together! So, they get to the magic shop and oh what a surprise, the shopkeeper is dead. Why is everyone always dying in this town? It’s weird.

Buffy is a totally biatch and makes Dawn wait outside where some creeper totally comes up to her and says really weird things.

GUY: That's why I'm a cat. Quiet. See, cat's in the cupboard (making cat-scratching gestures with his hands) but they find you there anyway, and it hurts… Please, make it stop. (in a different tone) Shut up, shut up, they'll hear you!…I know you. Curds and whey. I know what you are. You ... don't ... belong ... here.

Isn’t it totally awesome how the creeper says something about curds and whey when last season and the season before the show made references to Little Miss Muffet when talking about the arrival of Dawn? I think it’s awesome.

So Buffy, Willow, and Giles are researching the shopkeeper’s murder. Giles seems pretty interested in the shop business. They figure out that someone took some stupid unicorn statue. Oh, and look who it was.

This skanky ho.

 Now Buffy wants to go patrolling, but Joyce has some work thing to do. It’s totally unfair because Dawn is way old enough where she doesn’t need a babysitter. Like seriously guys, she’s not a kid, she’s 14. It’s totally unfair.

But Xander is the one to come watch done which is cool since he is so totally hot. He’s so awesome that he didn’t even need to go to college because he got a job unless Buffy who doesn’t even have a real job.

He’s so hot and he brought pizza!

 Tara is feeling like she’s outside of the Scooby gang and how Dawn must feel the same. Then Willow is so adorable and tells Tara that she’s an important part of the gang.

Aww, they hug because they are super best friends…right?

Riley totally calls Buffy out for being hard on Dawn. Buffy just doesn’t get how hard it is to be the younger sister with everyone treating you like a kid. Xander gets Dawn because he totally treats her like an equal. Then oh my gosh, Harmony totally throws a brick through Buffy’s window but only Dawn, Xander, and Anya are there. Harmony is so dumb and dresses like a prostitute. It’s so gross. But then she totally tricks Dawn into inviting her in, which is totally not her fault.

When Xander tells Buffy what happened, she totally overreacts and is really super mean to Dawn. But oh my gosh, look who it is!

Spike is so freaking hot, especially with that sexy jacket he wears. Harmony thinks she’s all evil and awesome, but Spike points how dumb she really is. Harmony has some sort of plan to kill Buffy, but it’s totally not gonna work. I bet Xander will save the day.

Buffy starts ranting to Riley and Xander about Dawn not understanding anything and is being a total bitch. She’s like seriously mean guys.

Buffy: No, it was common sense. But nobody expects even that much from Dawn, do they? No, she has to be protected and coddled from the big bad world, well you know what? We are doing nothing but turning her into a little idiot who is going to get us all killed.

Dawn rightly gets pissed off and runs out of the house, but unfortunately there are big vampires waiting to capture here. Anya tries to stop them but gets knocked out because she’s not super powered. So Harmony and her minions have Dawn all tied up to lure Buffy into a trap. Buffy goes to find Harmony’s lair by beating up Spike. Like seriously, why is she so mean to him? She’s always beating him up, like little kids do when they like someone. I wonder what that’s about.

So Harmony is totally feeling sad about no one listening to her because she’s a dumb slut. But Dawn feels her pain. Then her minions are all trying to rebel against her, but Buffy shows up and totally kills all of them. Buffy tells Harmony how dumb she is and Harmony runs off because she’s a big scaredy-cat. Then Buffy gives Dawn a hard time when it totally wasn’t even her fault. At least Buffy doesn’t tell her mom what happened.

Now Giles is totally going to buy and run the magic shop so he actually has something to do other than be unemployed and buy mid-life crisis cars. Oh and “watch Passions with Spike”. LOL. So Dawn is sitting writing in her journal and Buffy is all telling her what to Dawn and Dawn writes in her journal “She still thinks I'm Little Miss Nobody, just her dumb little sister. Boy, is she in for a surprise.” Yeah, Buffy is totally not prepared!

-Kali! <3