Season 4, Episode 12

First and foremost, thanks everyone for being so understanding about me taking a week off. After a near nervous breakdown on Saturday, I’ve figured out how to balance things out better and to make time for the things that I want to do and not just focus on the things I have to do. I also learned that food and sleep are important, especially when you are lacking in both! To make up for my absence, I present you with:

 

“A New Man”

Rewrittten by: Kali Waddilove

Scene: Buffy and Riley are getting hot and heavy on Buffy’s bed in her dorm room.

Riley: You said Willow was going to be gone all night?

Buffy: Yeah, she’s been gone a lot lately. I’m sure she’s just studying and not having a secret lesbian love affair.

Riley: Ooo, all this talk of lesbian love affairs is getting me turned on.

Buffy: Oh Riley, I want your big, beefy man stick inside of me.

Willow bursts in the door.

Willow: Buffy! Evil is afoot! We must kill all the things!

They run down the hall and enter a darkened room.

Everyone: SURPRISE!

Willow: It’s a surprise party for your birthday!

Buffy: I was about to get laid. I hate you forever.

Opening credits

Scene: Everyone is hanging out at Buffy’s party. Giles is the creepy old guy standing in the corner. Xander and Anya walk up to Giles.

Xander: This is one swinging party.

Giles: This reminds me of this one time where I was attending a magic school and all the ghosts threw a party for one of the other ghosts Deathday-

Anya: I am so bored with this story I might just die.

Xander: Honey, you have to be nice to people or we can’t play “Tickle the Pole” later.

Giles: I need a Scotch.

Xander and Anya walk away. Buffy brings Riley up to Giles to introduce them.

Buffy: Giles, this is my hot and sexy boyfriend Riley.

Riley: Hello, sir. So you are retired and completely useless now I hear?

Giles: Well… I-

Buffy: Isn’t he just the hottest man ever, Giles?

Giles: Um…

Buffy: And he works for the smartest woman in the world. She is seriously better and smarter in everyway possible than anyone I know. She would never even be seen hanging out with us because that is how much better she is than anyone in this room.

Giles: This is a college party, why is there not more alcohol?

Scene: Riley is bringing Buffy home to “mom” aka Professor Walsh to introduce her as the Slayer.

Professor Walsh: So you’re the Slayer I hear?

Buffy: Yup pretty much.

Professor Walsh: Well with all of our super high-tech equipment, my boy Riley has killed or captured 17 hostiles.

Buffy: That’s… great… I use a sharpened stick and have killed 17 vampires in one fight. I’m a boss like that.

Riley: Wow, I thought saving the world was a big thing for you, but you seem so do it every week almost as if you are on some sort of schedule.

Buffy: I know, it’s kinda weird. Especially how things are always calm during the summer, but I seem to take on some really big evil that has been trying to attack me all year in May.

Riley: That is awfully strange. I just can’t believe how super amazing and strong you are.

Buffy: You should see the things I can do in bed. One involves a clown costume, 3 ducks, and Hello Kitty doll.

Riley: …

Scene: Giles goes to visit Professor Walsh to talk to her about Buffy. And because he has no friends.

Giles: Buffy has talked a lot about you.

Professor Walsh: Who are you?

Giles: I’m … her old librarian.

Professor Walsh: Uh-huh. Well, Buffy is very bright. She just lacks encouragement and has no strong male role model in her life.

Giles: Wha?

Professor Walsh: Yes, and she definitely has never been taught anything correctly. It’s a good thing that I’m here now to show her the way.

Giles: (under his breath) Fuck you and the broom you rode in on.

Professor Walsh: I’m sorry?

Giles: Oh I was just wondering if you knew where Buffy was?

Professor Walsh: I have no idea. I’m sorry, but I actually have a life and I need to get to work now so kindly GTFO.

Giles: I hope a bar is open this early.

Scene: Giles gets Willow and Xander in order to investigate a crypt where a demon is supposed to rise.

Giles: This demon is supposed to rise at sunset, but we might make it in time.

Willow: Well maybe Riley and the other Initiative guys already cleared the place out.

Giles: Who did the what with the huh?

Xander: Well… you know… Buffy’s boyfriend? And his commando buddies?

Giles: WHAT?! Why did nobody tell me this?

Willow: Well, we were going to… you’re next on the list after Spike.

Giles: Spike knows?!?!?! Who else?

Xander: Well Anya of course. And the mailman. And that guy that sells oranges on the street corner.

Willow: But no one else! Professor Walsh says it needs to be a secret.

Giles: Professor Walsh?! What does that bitch have anything to do with this?

Willow: Well, she kind of runs the whole Initiative since she is so amazing and awesome and stuff.

Giles: Just go… leave me to sit here alone and drink my bottle of Scotch that I brought with- I mean, keep watch.

Willow and Xander leave.

Giles: Sod it all, I’m going home.

Giles goes to exit.

Ethan Rayne steps out from the shadows.

Ethan: Muahahahaha. I have a super evil plan that is going to get you and totally don’t know about-

Giles: Who’s there?!

Ethan: Oh shit!

Giles: You! I’m totally going to kick your ass.

Ethan: But I am here to warn you about the super-bad thing that is about to happen!

Giles: Ugh, bollocks. I need a drink.

Ethan and Giles go to get a drink.

Ethan: So rumor is, something is capturing demons and experimenting on them in a place called 314.

Giles: That is crazy enough to be believable.

Many, many drinks later…

Giles: That bloody bint Maggie Walsh can sod off. She thinks she’s so high and mighty. I’m the one that’s been fighting demons for 20 years. I’m the one trained by the Watcher’s Council. I’ve helped save the world countless times!

Ethan: Yeah, we should go beat that bag up. Well, after I get with this waitress that’s been eying me.

Waitress: Ew. Go away you creepy old man.

Giles: Ha, rejected. Oh God, I’m getting so old. I’m all alone and have nothing to show for my life.

Ethan: Cheer up, old chap. We are still sorcerers and the night is full of magic.

Giles: Are we talking about magic-magic or gay-sex?

Scene: Willow is over at Tara’s so they can perform a “spell” together.

Willow: For this spell, we are going to float a rose and very slowly and gently pluck the petals off.

Tara: That sounds nice.

Willow: Take my hands. Our minds have to be linked for the spell to work.

Tara: I think the spell also calls for our bodies to be intertwined.

Willow: Ok, you’re the one that has more experience than me so I’ll let you take the lead.

Tara gently lays Willow down on the floor so they can perform the “spell”.

Tara: Close your eyes and concentrate.

Willow: I’ve never done this spell before. I’m not sure what to do.

Tara: Just relax and I’ll talk you through everything.

They get close to each other in order to concentrate on the “spell”.

Willow: I think the rose is floating.

Tara: Your rose is beautiful.

Sarah: KALI! This is not a fan fic! Behave yourself!

Kali: FINE!

The spell goes wonky and the rose explodes. End scene.

Kali: Happy now?!

Scene: Giles wakes up the next morning and has been turned into a demon by Ethan.

Giles: That’s the last time I do body shots off Ethan.

Giles head over to Xander’s to ask for help, not knowing that he is speaking the demon language.

Giles: Rawr gobble roar berp glarp.

Xander: *screams like a woman*

Giles: Bloody hell!

Giles runs away. He cuts through the cemetery and runs into Spike.

Spike: Well hello there demon. I think I’m itching for a fight.

Giles: Oh great, a perfect end to a perfect day.

Spike: Giles? Why are you a demon? I’m not thinking it’s a good look for you, mate.

Giles: I had a late night with some guy and woke up like this.

Spike: That’s why you should always use protection, Giles.

Giles: Oh shut it. Will you help me?

Spike: What’s in it for me?

Giles: Um… sexual favors?

Spike: Sounds good, but only once you’re human again.

Giles: Deal.

Scene: Xander rounds up the gang and heads over to Giles place. They discover the door off the hinges, furniture knocked around and Giles shirt ripped to shreds.

Anya: It appears that Giles has been eaten by this demon.

Buffy: I’m sure it was just a misunderstanding, right?

Willow: Yeah, Giles and the demon were probably just fighting over who looked better in that shirt.

Anya: Think whatever you want, but you are going to find bits of Giles in some demon’s poop tomorrow, mark my words.

Riley bursts in the door.

Riley: I am here to help because I am a helpful Hufflepuff!

Xander: If you were a good Hufflepuff, you’d find Giles. If you can’t do that, then get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.

Riley: I don’t find that to be very amusing Xander. This is a serious situation. Now I’m going to go see if Professor Sprout knows anything and have some pizza with Justin Finch-Fletchley.

Scene: Spike is driving Giles around in order to help him.

You'll never understand our love.

Giles: Don’t put it into third gear if you can’t find third gear!

Spike: If you tell me what to do one more time I will pull this car over!

Giles: You always do this. I am just giving you helpful advice and you take it the wrong way.

Spike: You are not helping! You are criticizing me! First it was about cleaning the house, now you are telling me how to drive!

Giles: Well maybe I wouldn’t be so cranky if you took me out to nice places more!

Spike: Well I wouldn’t be so pissy if you gave me some loving once in awhile!

Giles: Stop yelling at me and watch the road!

Spike: Don’t tell me what to do!

Giles: Wait hold on! There’s that bitch! Pull over.

RAWR!

Giles gets back in the car. Spike and him high-five. They head to the bar where Giles and Ethan were drinking and discover the motel he is staying at.

Buffy and Riley go to search places for Giles. They check out the magic shop.

Riley: Look what I found! It’s a piece of paper!

Buffy: It’s a receipt for Ethan Rayne. He must be behind this. Let’s head to this motel.

Riley: You want to go to a motel? Now? I’m all for it, but shouldn’t we be looking for Giles?

Buffy: Oh honey, you’re really sexy but not too bright.

Riley: (smiles) Thank you!

Giles jumps out of the car while Spike drives away letting the commandos follow him instead. Buffy and Riley head over to Ethan’s motel room too.

Ethan: Look! It’s the demon that killed Giles. Kill it!

Buffy fights Giles not knowing that he is the demon. She stabs him but looks into his eyes realizing that the demon is in fact Giles. Luckily she didn’t harm him.

Almost killing Giles gives me crazy-eye.

Riley: Hey guys, I found a quarter!

Ethan returns Giles to normal. Riley sends for the commandos to take Ethan and hide him away forever. Giles does his happy dance.

Buffy: Thank you so much Riley for all that you did. How can I ever repay you?

Riley: I can think of a few things. *wink wink*

Buffy goes over to Giles place to have a nice father-daughter talk.

Giles: Honey, I’m concerned about this boy you are seeing.

Buffy: But he is so sexy and has abs of steal!

Giles: This organization he works for doesn’t seem trustworthy. We don’t know much about them.

Buffy: But Giles… have you seen his ass?

Giles: Just keep an eye out, will you? Ethan may be untrustworthy, but he has no reason to lie about demons being worried about this 314.

Buffy: Oh I’ll keep an eye on him all right.

Giles: *facepalm* Where's the bloody Scotch?

Scene: Riley and Professor Walsh are discussing how everything turned out and talk about Buffy’s role.

Riley: She’s the prettiest girl in the whole wide world. Everything is like rainbows and puppy dogs.

Professor Walsh: (under her breath) I will kill her before she can lay a hand on my boy.

Riley: What was that?

Professor Walsh: Nothing. Now go to the infirmary and pick yourself up a lollipop for being such a good boy!

Riley: Yay!

Professor Walsh looks both directions to make sure everything is gone and goes through a hidden door labeled “314”.

DUN DUN DUNNNNN.

- Kali!