Season Five, Episode One
"Buffy vs. Dracula"
If you were wondering what this season was going to be about, look no further than the teaser. We see here Buffy sleeping next to Riley, yet seeming very distant from him. She then gets up and chases after a vampire who's running away from her. She keeps going until she catches him and he turns to dust and then she gets back into bed with Riley without him ever knowing that she left. If you've already seen this season, you should be able to see the parallels between this teaser and the season. If not, don't worry, you will soon.
Next scene we're at a beach with Buffy and Riley playing catch. Riley quickly becomes an idiot and tells Buffy, who has declared herself "team me", that she throws like a girl. But don't worry, he gets what he deserves from making a sexist joke.
Hanging back watching them play are the rest of the scoobies with an epicly hilarious conversation:
XANDER: I'm exhausted just looking at those two. The splashing and the jumping and the running… Shouldn't relaxing involve less exertion?
ANYA: Absolutely. Exertion can lead to sweatiness.
TARA: Which can cause the pain and heartbreak of stinkiness. Better to just stay put.
WILLOW: I think we've just put our finger on why we're the sidekicks.
I totally agree with them though. Which is why I don't leave my house unless I absolutely have to and live primarily on the internet. Anyways, back to our show...
Riley comes back to join the gang, declaring that Buffy slayed the football, and the two of them ask Xander for their burgers. However, since Xander fails at most aspects of life, he can't figure out how to work a match. Luckily Willow's there to help. She starts a fire with magic and explains how you just have to make sure messing with one element doesn't affect...
...another (Willow: "I didn't do it!")
In an attempt to get a bit nerdy, Giles and Willow set out to achieve his entire library on his computer. Willow comments on how he's been project man for a while now and Giles tells her not to repeat what he's about to tell her, especially not to Buffy:
GILES: Do you swear?
WILLOW: Oh God… I guess. Now that I know there's something to know -I can't not know just because I'm afraid someone will know I know, you know?
GILES: Did you mean yes?
WILLOW: Yeah…
GILES: We're doing all this because I want you and the others to have everything you need at your fingertips. You see, I'm going back to England.
WILLOW: You're - what? But you can't. You're Buffy's watcher. I mean, in a fired way.
GILES: It's become quite obvious that Buffy doesn't need me anymore. And I don't say that out of self pity, I'm quite proud, actually.
WILLOW: But what about the rest of us? We still need to be watched. Personally, I can't get through a day without a little hairy eyeball.
GILES: I appreciate the sentiment, but it's just not so. You'll be fine. You all will. (kindly) And we'll stay in touch. You can call me whenever you like.(off her silence) It's time from me to get on with it, Willow. I need to find out what's next for me - and England's my home.
WILLOW: When are you going to tell Buffy?
GILES: Soon.
WILLOW: Oh God… I guess. Now that I know there's something to know -I can't not know just because I'm afraid someone will know I know, you know?
GILES: Did you mean yes?
WILLOW: Yeah…
GILES: We're doing all this because I want you and the others to have everything you need at your fingertips. You see, I'm going back to England.
WILLOW: You're - what? But you can't. You're Buffy's watcher. I mean, in a fired way.
GILES: It's become quite obvious that Buffy doesn't need me anymore. And I don't say that out of self pity, I'm quite proud, actually.
WILLOW: But what about the rest of us? We still need to be watched. Personally, I can't get through a day without a little hairy eyeball.
GILES: I appreciate the sentiment, but it's just not so. You'll be fine. You all will. (kindly) And we'll stay in touch. You can call me whenever you like.(off her silence) It's time from me to get on with it, Willow. I need to find out what's next for me - and England's my home.
WILLOW: When are you going to tell Buffy?
GILES: Soon.
Sadface. But don't worry, he's not leaving yet!
But you know who is leaving: Buffy. She leaves dinner with her mom to go patrol. And here's where the weirdness starts. On this hunt, she runs into a vampire. One named Dracula.
Buffy: "Get out!"
They talk for a bit until they reach an interesting topic:
DRACULA: I came to meet the renowned killer.
BUFFY: I prefer the term "Slayer." "Killer" just sounds so…
DRACULA: Naked?
BUFFY: Like I paint clowns or something. I'm the good guy, remember?
DRACULA: Come now. You can't deny your history.
BUFFY: What do you mean, history? I hail from a long line of white hats, period.
DRACULA: Perhaps. But your power is rooted in darkness. You must feel it.
BUFFY: I prefer the term "Slayer." "Killer" just sounds so…
DRACULA: Naked?
BUFFY: Like I paint clowns or something. I'm the good guy, remember?
DRACULA: Come now. You can't deny your history.
BUFFY: What do you mean, history? I hail from a long line of white hats, period.
DRACULA: Perhaps. But your power is rooted in darkness. You must feel it.
Remember this conversation and we proceed onwards.
However, there conversation ends soon after this with him pulling a Snape and turning into a bat.
Back at Casa de Giles, they discuss Dracula. This conversation ranges from Buffy, Willow, and Anya talking about the sexiness of him while Tara questions Willow's interest in the Y chromosome again to Willow trying really hard to make Giles feel as if he needs to stay in Sunnydale to Riley getting thirsty to make the kill before his girlfriend falls in love with another vampire.
On his way home, Xander runs into his new master. Dracula makes Xander his bitch emissary; his eyes and ears in daylight. So, basically, he's now one of Dracula's deatheaters. If Voldemort choose deatheaters as horribly as Dracula is, no wonder he was killed.
And next, as if Joss was able to hear Kali's cries for some sexy vampire action, Spike and Riley have a little conversation about Dracula. He spills about how much of a "poncy bugger" Dracula is and tells Riley to look for him in some luxarious places since he's too good to live as other vampires do. Well, he actually tells Riley not to look for him since this is a bit out of his league. They then have a testosterone contest that ends with Riley leaving Spike mid warning:
SPIKE: (calls after) You're never gonna find him (softer)
Not before he gets to her…
And now we get a reenactment of Angel/Buffy's relationship with Dracula creepin into Buffy's room while she sleeps. Speaking of Angel, Dracula sees his bite marks on her neck. He takes a bite out of her and sucks her dry. Thus concluding this episode and the series. It's been fun folks!
Oh, wait, you're telling me he stops drinking her blood before she dies? This episode isn't over? Ugh, how irritating...
The next day, after Buffy covers up her vampire hickey with a scarf, they head to Giles' place where both she and Xander act strange. Willow, Riley, and Giles are all set in research mode while she is distant and feeling guilty about her act of adultery and Xander is angry over the fact that he wasn't blessed with any such acts from the Unholy Prince.
Buffy leaves and Riley follows her out, asking her to take off her scarf. Here's a good rule to go by: when you're job requires you to come into contact with vampires often, wearing a scarf randomly around your neck one day will probably lead to some questions.
Willow and Tara go over to Buffy's house to put up a protective spell to lock Dracula out (another throw back to Angel). This task leads to a hilarious conversation with Joyce:
JOYCE: He seemed so nice and normal… A little pale…
WILLOW: A good Sunnydale rules of thumb? Avoid white-skinned men in capes.
JOYCE: I didn't - he was in a suit. A lovely suit… He came by the gallery, and he was amazingly well informed about art history-
TARA: Probably because he was around for most of it.
JOYCE: I want you both to know, I am not like this. I do not invite strange men over for coffee. It's just , it's been way too long. Since I met anybody. You know, someone even remotely interesting. When you girls get older, you'll understand. It's hard to date. Sometimes you feel like giving up on men altogether.
WILLOW: A good Sunnydale rules of thumb? Avoid white-skinned men in capes.
JOYCE: I didn't - he was in a suit. A lovely suit… He came by the gallery, and he was amazingly well informed about art history-
TARA: Probably because he was around for most of it.
JOYCE: I want you both to know, I am not like this. I do not invite strange men over for coffee. It's just , it's been way too long. Since I met anybody. You know, someone even remotely interesting. When you girls get older, you'll understand. It's hard to date. Sometimes you feel like giving up on men altogether.
And now it's showtime! Riley and Giles head to find Dracula while Anya talks Xander's ear off about how she should have been included. But he's not listening to her at all and instead locks her in a closet and tells Buffy the plan.
I'm supposed to deliver you to the Master now. There's this whole deal where I get to be immortal… Are you cool with that?
Xander takes Buffy to Dracula and she stakes him until he turns to dust! Ha, just kidding. He tells her to put the stake down and she does exactly what he says.
Luckily, Riley and Giles find the place where Dracula must be hiding. Apparently he decided to bring a mansion with him to Sunnydale. Very discrete.
So many lulz...
BUFFY: Stay away from me…DRACULA: Are you afraid I'll bite you? Slayer, that's why you came.
BUFFY: No… last night was… That's not gonna happen again.
DRACULA: Stop me. Stake me.
BUFFY: I'm… any minute now…
DRACULA: Do you know why you can't resist?
BUFFY: 'Cause you're famous?
DRACULA: Because you do not want to.
BUFFY: My friends are -
DRACULA: They're here. They will not find us. We are alone. Always… alone. There is so much I have to teach you. About your history, your power… What your body is capable of…
BUFFY: I don't… need to know…
DRACULA: You long to. And you will have eternity to discover yourself. But first… a little taste.
BUFFY: I won't… let you…
DRACULA: I didn't mean for me.
[...]
BUFFY: I'm not hungry.
DRACULA: No. Your craving goes deeper than that. You think you know. What you are, what's to come… you haven't even begun. (Restless falshback!) Find it… the darkness…. Find your true nature.
Buffy listens to him and drinks his blood. But I'm sure her reaction is not what he was expecting from her: "That was really gross." And, suddenly, she has her power back.
During this time, hilarity ensues. We'll hear all about it in this closing conversation:
XANDER: Where is he? Where's the creep who turned me into his spider-eating man bitch!? (Favorite Line) I've got a flaming enema with his name on it-
BUFFY: He's gone.
XANDER: Damn it!.. You know what? I'm sick of this crap. I'm sick of being the guy who eats the insects and gets the funny syphilis! As of this moment, it's over. I'm finished being everybody's butt monkey!!
BUFFY: Check. No more butt monkey.
RILEY: It could have been worse. At least you weren't making time with the Dracubabes like Giles here.
XANDER: No kidding? You got tranced?
GILES: I did not. And I was not making time! I - I was just about to kill those loathsome creatures when Riley interrupted me-
RILEY: Really? You were gonna nuzzle 'em to death?
BUFFY: He's gone.
XANDER: Damn it!.. You know what? I'm sick of this crap. I'm sick of being the guy who eats the insects and gets the funny syphilis! As of this moment, it's over. I'm finished being everybody's butt monkey!!
BUFFY: Check. No more butt monkey.
RILEY: It could have been worse. At least you weren't making time with the Dracubabes like Giles here.
XANDER: No kidding? You got tranced?
GILES: I did not. And I was not making time! I - I was just about to kill those loathsome creatures when Riley interrupted me-
RILEY: Really? You were gonna nuzzle 'em to death?
After this hilarity, Buffy and Giles have a serious conversation. Giles called her over to talk with her about leaving, but Buffy has to tell him something too. She tells him about the darkness she is sensing in herself and asks Giles to teach her about where she comes from and about the other Slayers. All in all, she asks him to be her Watcher again because she can't do it without him. And, suddenly, Giles has nothing to tell her anymore.
And we end our episode just as we would any other: Buffy is leaving to meet Riley and Joyce tells her to take "her sister" with her. Now, I know what you all must be thinking...
WHO THE FUCK IS THIS?
-Sarah
Kali's Notes:
-I don't have much to add mostly because I really dislike this episode. For such a great season, the first 2 episodes suck hard. Although they set up SO MUCH for the season and the series, I wish this wouldn't have involved Dracula and Buffy staking him, but then not really and everything being weird. I just felt like everything was so weird in this episode and I didn't like it!
- I actually watched Buffy when it originally aired starting at about Season 4. When I saw this episode I was so freaking confused and thought that I must have missed something when all of the sudden Buffy had a sister. At least it gets explained early on in the season and not at the very end. But still, way to throw that in there and confuse the hell out of everyone!
- Favorite line: Xander: I'm finished being everybody's butt monkey!!
Kali's Notes:
-I don't have much to add mostly because I really dislike this episode. For such a great season, the first 2 episodes suck hard. Although they set up SO MUCH for the season and the series, I wish this wouldn't have involved Dracula and Buffy staking him, but then not really and everything being weird. I just felt like everything was so weird in this episode and I didn't like it!
- I actually watched Buffy when it originally aired starting at about Season 4. When I saw this episode I was so freaking confused and thought that I must have missed something when all of the sudden Buffy had a sister. At least it gets explained early on in the season and not at the very end. But still, way to throw that in there and confuse the hell out of everyone!
- Favorite line: Xander: I'm finished being everybody's butt monkey!!
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